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| June 2012, i went back to Manila to work as an information analyst or patent excerptionist or idontknowwhatiam,perhaps,achemist? the chart sums up my second half of the year. that’s basically it. 40%. i work, catch up with work even during week-end’s or holidays, and half of the time, i guess, i didn’t really progress (as in the verb) and just mess up, instead (well this deserves another chart, right?). will write about it in my next chart. 15%. i eat a lot now. well, relatively, i do. i have an appetite for life now, so like a domino effect, i have a desire for food, too. people around me also love to eat, so they’re a strong force that pulls me inside food chains and even the food carts around. i guess i gained weight, just a bit, but still, i’m not as skinny as before. 11% times 2. i drink coffee as much as i listen to music or fm radio. that’s like a routine. 2 to 3 cups of coffee a day ~ one for breakfast, 2 at work, and for some nights i still have another cup. most of the time it’s just a 3-in-1 coffee, sometimes starbuck’s mocca frappe gets me through the day ~ but, this one i think should stop next year, this aint good for my budget. hrrr. every morning of a weekday, i listen to RX 93.1’s the morning rush — i (we) get to laugh and brighten up my (our) day with this show, with their witty and hilarious and sarcastic conversation, plus good music, plus the top ten entries, plus their ‘epic rap off’ whenever they have a guest. 9% times 2. sleeping and etcetera. i don’t get to sleep and do etcetera that much. i still have a sleeping disorder. maybe it’s the coffee, or maybe it’s something else ( i really can’t doze off like a normal person could). well, the etcera part, is the part where i get to do other things apart from work. i’ve always been a homebody so don’t be surprised that i don’t have night-out stories or whatsoever. the movies i got to watch in a moviehouse since june? just the “perks of being a wallflower ” and “cloud atlas”. i did social drinking, within half a year, it’s just 3 to 5 times, i guess. so etcetera means staying home and trying to cook, cleaning up the house, watching big bang theory, listening to music, eating, or basically, the other percentages of this chart. 5%. this is the smallest part of the pie, and i guess the only inaccurate statistic (yes stastistic, not statistics. haha, my friend Jules would prolly be proud of me because im right about not putting an s at the end of the word). haha. i am a worry-wart. i worry too much, but i also try hard to fight it off, so it goes in cycles. if something goes in cycle, would that technically take up a lot of points? i guess so. why i worry? wait for another chart. |
I am aware of another thing in my life, and it has something to do with humanism or social interaction or fundamental part of love for the others. it happens every time i see kids and old people who are begging for food, or out in the streets, doing whatever it is to make a living — THESE, the moment i got back in Manila, became my social pain. geez. breaks my heart almost everyday. the sight of them becomes even more unbearable when all i can do is give them a share of what’s left of my allowance for the day.
I get random thoughts when i see them. i wonder how they survive or get pass through hunger and the cold, or how they come safely through the night. i want to ask them which is harder, to survive or to endure, to put up with all the unpleasant things or to continue to live?
Recently, my heart got broken again, not just because of these people i constantly see in the streets or train stations or any public domain i can think of. i had another pain from those who lost their jobs.
I’ve been working in or for a certain company somewhere in Makati for four months now, and i get to know some people there, especially the aides and staff, the guards, and the like. you know, the people who’d greet you the moment you step inside the sliding door, or assist you when you get into the elevator, wipe the table when you leave a mess in the pantry, gather up your trash and say goodbye to you and ask you to take care on your way home. yes, those people, some of them lost their jobs and i feel for them.
People don’t normally get attached to people in their workplace in four months. I don’t, but i guess I was really born with a mushy heart so I tend to get affected with stuff like this. I hate it when I saw Ate J crying inside the washroom, and much more when she actually said “buh-bye”. I don’t know what to say when I asked Kuya C how long he’s been working there and answered me with “fourteen years and nine months”. You should see their faces. You’d know from the look in their eyes, from every shed tear that many things are lost. Where have all the credit for their service gone?
Somebody said that if i go on feeling so much for the world like this, then i’d probably go nuts. i don’t want that to happen but i hope i can do something for them. i hope someday i wont just be writing about this, that this will grow into a brave act of saving someone else from physical pain or distress or anything that hurts. maybe we should all embrace the fundamental part of human love i am talking about. i know we cant eradicate all the painful things but maybe this could help ease some of them. let us all be compassionate. let us be considerate and sensitive of other human being’s needs. let’s all be nuts, the hearty way.
Dear 15-year-old-self,
Well, what can i say? maybe just this: find that pill that makes you unafraid, unblenching or undaunted, and drink it everyday.
Let me tell you things from my point in time and space.
1. you’d still look a lot like yourself even if your age is doubled, because you’re holding on to peter pan syndrome.
2. after you graduate high school, you’d choose being a scientist over your engineering dream just because you got a slot in a University (am i stupid not to tell you which one?) and that you want to experience how it is to study there, and make mommy proud.
3. in college, you won’t be the math wizard and science geek that you are now. you could have won in a science quiz bee or math olympiad, but i’m sorry, kid, numbers and science just got really complicated and became a bunch of A-holes that turn your self-confidence into a fallacy and drag your self-esteem meter to zero.
4. you are going to fail in class. several times. almost get into probation for being one-unit less of the required units to pass per academic year. you’re going to feel like a dumb person and it will turn you into a dark version of yourself. but you’ll learn to cope and finish your degree, anyway.
5. this repetition of fail-try-pass cycle would somehow lead you to a different world, like an outlet of angst, depression, beauty, love and a salad of all emotions you can find in the world. you will write poems and profundity, embrace art and dance like a pro (well, a semi-pro….i mean…no, not a pro, not at all).
6. you’re going to become very sickly when you’re about to graduate in college. you’ll faint in Physics 72.1 class, have terrible asthma attacks every now and then and end up with puffs, nebulizer, all kinds of shapes and sorts of pills, nasal spray, and the like. you’re going to blame the fumes and solvents you are going to handle in college and while doing your thesis (which, is by the way, not so relatively organic chemically dope).
7. you’d discover that you are an obsessive-compulsive person, that you are vain and that you always smell good and feel like you are pretty and your college buddies roll their eyes at you a lot of times for this. but that would just be for the sake of having fun. or not.
8. you’re going to make a lot of friends. get your heart broken, break hearts, as well, and shatter friendships.
9. you’re going to chase and eventually drop a lot of dreams ~ robotics. medicine. animation.
10. you’ll find new passion along the way, though. and you’d continue to write poetry, prose, embrace photography, draw, and try acrylic painting forever until you suck in using brushes no more.
11. believe it or not, you’re going to have two licences – one, as a chemist and the other one, as a teacher (aren’t you surprised? or does your thought bubble say “what? nooooo!” right now?).
12. hear this, kid. you’re really going to teach in college. and for a while you’d be so cool that they are going to give you a students’ choice award. and then the whole system is going to eff up after more than four years, and you’d leave. you’d resign just like after you’ve been given a permanent position. and you’d break your mom’s heart. again. 😦
13. you’ll have a japanese spitz. you’ll call him raine, but you’re asthmatic so you’re not allowed to pet him so Ate would have to take care of him.
14. Ate would go away for a while to work. she’ll buy you an ipAd which you’ll find so dope because you’re such a bratty little sister.
15. you are not going to save up until you’re 30. because again, you are such a bratty kid.
16. you’d be a freelancer for a while.
17. you’re going to bum around for a longer while, too.
18. you wont be as homebody as you are right now. you’d climb up hills, go for a swim many times, get the highest score in arcade basketball, play and watch nature once in a while.
19. spiders, heights and closed-spaces will always be around, but you’d try really hard to fight those fears off. you’ll ride a big-circumferenced ferris wheel, ride elevators everyday and meet eight-legged eeeeks almost everywhere.
20. you’d make a lot of choices.
21. you’d meet happiness and pain every now and then. it’ll be like co-existing facts in your life.
22. you’d still be having faith on things. in God. and everything good this world brings.
23. you’d meet your one true love.
24. you’d be going through a lot, and i wont be giving you much of the details because i don’t want to really alter anything. but just remember these:
you are loved, even if sometimes you feel like you’re not.
you’re a good person, even if sometimes you think the world wants to get rid of you.
always be prepared (remembering your scouting days?)
be very very brave. and i mean it.
don’t dwell so much on the bad things.
don’t whine or rant too much.
stop being angsty.
grow up, i mean being mature wont make you get old fast.
continue being the mushy person that you are.
continue being the mushy person that you are.
I’ts a Sunday. i know you’re making your assignments today.
go back to them now.
High five, kiddo.
Be good always.
Love,
your self in 2012
since yesterday, the world has been depriving me of food. or source thereof. so far this is my longest no-food-intake record. because the place is flooded and i can’t get out to buy anything and i can no longer scavenge anything from our fridge,too.
then i thought about those kids i stumble upon the stairs of the light rail transit station in Tayuman. the old man on the same stairs who can’t even raise his arms or get up by himself. and that old woman on a wheelchair at the landing. all of them who raise up their palms at every passenger, begging and asking for some change that everyone could spare so they could buy a meal, a piece of bread or noodles, maybe.
these people — they make me survive hunger. i feel like im still blessed to not starve everyday. to not stay in the station or elsewhere to beg for food. but then i felt more sorry for them — i wonder where they are staying now, now that the streets are flooded and the rain just wont stop. i am starving again, as i write. but who am i to complain? or rant? or whine? i am dry, safe and warm. really starving, yes, but what the hey, i am still blessed, which made me feel guilty again for not being able to do anything for them who are more than just starving.
sigh.
looks like the world poured out heavy things on me again. or vice versa.
No more flag ceremonies. No more hymns. No more uniforms. No more checking attendance. No more signing of clearances. No more syllabi. No more chalkboards. No more whatever, because I am Ma’am, no more.
When I was just a pseudo-teacher (first-timer, part-timer, no-license-yet), I told myself maybe it’ll be cool if I’ll try to make a difference in the place. Years passed, four years or so, I got my results:
INSTITUTION XXXX
minus professionalism
minus respect for immediate and not-so-immediate superiors
minus respect for colleagues
minus genuine friendship
equals
A VERY BIG DIFFERENCE.
Yup, I got a very big difference from a bunch of people, but I wasn’t able to make one in return.
Well I did, actually. I LEFT.
Why? They probably knew it by now.
But let us pretend the world doesn’t know, yet. So I could lay them all down here. I had the guts to leave, maybe I can also have the guts to write a blog about that place (last time somebody did, heck he was screwed). I don’t know, I just think that I could at least throw back and rub things in their faces, too:
1. some people feed on other people’s lives. other people’s weaknesses become their source of happiness — they munch on it through spicy gossips.
2. hmm….once in a while, we have a meeting.
And Wikipedia says:
“A meeting is a gathering of two or more people that has been convened for the purpose of achieving a common goal through verbal interaction, such as sharing information or reaching agreement. In a meeting, people come together to discuss one or more topics, often in a formal setting.”
For almost every time?
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Gathering of two or more people
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Check.
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*convened for the purpose of achieving a common goal through verbal interaction, such as sharing information or reaching agreement
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Convene means to assemble formally, right? What happened to ‘formally’, then? I guess the point of having one was always missed there. Achieving a common goal was never done — I can remember us having the same topics for almost 2 years. Why? Because people didn’t learn. And why not? Because they didn’t listen. Why? I don’t know!
How about me? What did I do? I sat there. I tried to listen to the speaker — well yeah, I had to try because I can’t hear the person talking in front anymore because the place is uh, noisy. Then I observe people. Try to digest their unbelievable side comments. Watch them frown because they want to wrap it all up so they could eat already. Uh, no offense meant, really. But these things happened every time. And for four years of having these, wouldn’t you just get tired? Geez.
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sharing information or reaching agreement
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I remember some sharing an info, like….
in “our university” (meaning from where he/she graduated from), it was like blah blah blah…. then the other would say, but no, in [insert univ here] it’s like this, and that…) Geez! How could we ever reach an agreement there for chenyleen’s sake?
And whenever this happens, I wanted to utter something genius like….. “makibaka, makibaka”!
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people come together to discuss one or more topics,
often in a formal setting.
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See *.
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How many checks do we have up there? Uh, just one? Aww, ain’t that sad, eh?
3. The dictionary defines a superior as “Higher than another in rank, station, or authority; of a higher nature or kind”. Thinkexist, on the other hand, defines a subordinateas: one who stands in order or rank below another; inferior in order, nature, dignity, power, importance, or the like.” Uh, tagalugin natin? Sige……uhm… ang sabi ng statement sa taas ay… uhm… alamin mo daw po ang lugar mo po.
If you are a subordinate, and you think you are better than your superior because you believe that he/she is not effective, you can’t just not follow instructions, right? you can’t decide and act on things without your boss’ approval, and you don’t have any excuse to just disrespect him/her. He/she may not be effective or fit for the position, but that doesn’t mean you can act like you’re the boss. Because for obvious reasons, that’s insubordination, any workplace has a consequence for that. Another thing is, you keep blabbing about your boss’ under performance, well did you check yours? And for once, did you ever ask yourself if you’d be the boss right then and there, can you at least do good? Hmp. People talk too much. And boast. But go ask how they perform from a student’s point of view, you’d prolly just want to forget it and go home to play with your lousy dog.
And talking about the other end, if you’re the boss, (please) show them you are. If you think you have some shortcomings, then maybe it’s not too late naman po to do something about it, di ba po? Respect is earned din daw po, gawin po kaya natin yang motto for the day every day? Uh-oh. Okay, enough said.
4. Genuine friendship is very rare there, I guess. Even super long-time ‘friends’ would talk behind each other’s back. This broke my heart. Not for myself, but for the very few people who are dear to me who are stuck in that place. Sigh. Shame on people who’d hurt a friend just because. Sigh.
The list actually goes a long way, but I want to be less of an ass so I am stopping here.
I’m just feverish right now, I write things I’m not even allowed to. It’s 33oC here in Manila. Hot temp, hot words? Nah. This is long overdue. And it’s too late to let some of these things out. They probably know these, but won’t just give a damn. And they’d probably read this and just laugh at it and make fun of me and talk about this in their everyday rituals again. But you know what? Go ahead. May you find happiness in what you do, say, think and wish for. And in the middle of all these things that you do, say, think and wish for, may God bless you.
Come on. Let’s have sarcasm for dessert.
Dear, World. Love, Jenny. 