Dear, World. Love, Jenny.

Jedi thoughts, MD diaries and Random geekiness

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TIME TRAVELER SELF — September 9, 2012

TIME TRAVELER SELF

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Dear 15-year-old-self,
 
Well, what can i say? maybe just this: find that pill that makes you unafraid, unblenching or undaunted, and drink it everyday.
 
Let me tell you things from my point in time and space.
 
1. you’d still look a lot like yourself even if your age is doubled, because you’re holding on to peter pan syndrome.
 
2. after you graduate high school, you’d choose being a scientist over your engineering dream just because you got a slot in a University (am i stupid not to tell you which one?) and that you want to experience how it is to study there, and make mommy proud.
 
3. in college, you won’t be the math wizard and science geek that you are now. you could have won in a science quiz bee or math olympiad, but i’m sorry, kid, numbers and science just got really complicated and  became a bunch of A-holes that turn your self-confidence into a fallacy and drag your self-esteem meter to zero.
 
4. you are going to fail in class. several times. almost get into probation for being one-unit less of the required units to pass per academic year. you’re going to feel like a dumb person and it will turn you into a dark version of yourself. but you’ll learn to cope and finish your degree, anyway. 
 

5. this repetition of fail-try-pass cycle would somehow lead you to a different world, like an outlet of angst, depression, beauty, love and a salad of all emotions you can find in the world. you will write poems and profundity, embrace art and dance like a pro (well, a semi-pro….i mean…no, not a pro, not at all).

6. you’re going to become very sickly when you’re about to graduate in college. you’ll faint in Physics 72.1 class, have terrible asthma attacks every now and then and end up with puffs, nebulizer, all kinds of shapes and sorts of pills, nasal spray, and the like. you’re going to blame the fumes and solvents you are going to handle in college and while doing your thesis (which, is by the way, not so relatively organic chemically dope).

7. you’d discover that you are an obsessive-compulsive person, that you are vain and that you always smell good and feel like you are pretty and your college buddies roll their eyes at you a lot of times for this. but that would just be for the sake of having fun. or not.

8. you’re going to make a lot of friends. get your heart broken, break hearts, as well, and shatter friendships.

9. you’re going to chase and eventually drop a lot of dreams ~ robotics. medicine. animation. 

10. you’ll find new passion along the way, though. and you’d continue to write poetry, prose, embrace photography, draw, and try acrylic painting forever until you suck in using brushes no more.

11. believe it or not, you’re going to have two licences – one, as a chemist and the other one, as a teacher (aren’t you surprised? or does your thought bubble say “what? nooooo!” right now?).

12. hear this, kid. you’re really going to teach in college. and for a while you’d be so cool that they are going to give you a students’ choice award. and then the whole system is going to eff up after more than four years, and you’d leave. you’d resign just like after you’ve been given a permanent position. and you’d break your mom’s heart. again. 😦

13. you’ll have a japanese spitz. you’ll call him raine, but you’re asthmatic so you’re not allowed to pet him so Ate would have to take care of him. 

14. Ate would go away for a while to work. she’ll buy you an ipAd which you’ll find so dope because you’re such a bratty little sister. 

15. you are not going to save up until you’re 30. because again, you are such a bratty kid. 

16. you’d be a freelancer for a while.

17. you’re going to bum around for a longer while, too.

18. you wont be as homebody as you are right now. you’d climb up hills, go for a swim many times, get the highest score in arcade basketball, play and watch nature once in a while.

19. spiders, heights and closed-spaces will always be around, but you’d try really hard to fight those fears off. you’ll ride a big-circumferenced ferris wheel, ride elevators everyday and meet eight-legged eeeeks almost everywhere. 

20. you’d make a lot of choices. 

21. you’d meet happiness and pain every now and then. it’ll be like co-existing facts in your life. 

22. you’d still be having faith on things. in God. and everything good this world brings.

23. you’d meet your one true love.

24. you’d be going through a lot, and i wont be giving you much of the details because i don’t want to really alter anything. but just remember these:


you are loved, even if sometimes you feel like you’re not.
you’re a good person, even if sometimes you think the world wants to get rid of you.
always be prepared (remembering your scouting days?)
be very very brave. and i mean it.
don’t dwell so much on the bad things.
don’t whine or rant too much.
stop being angsty.
grow up, i mean being mature wont make you get old fast.
continue being the mushy person that you are.


 
I’ts a Sunday. i know you’re making your assignments today. 
go back to them now.
 
High five, kiddo. 
Be good always.
 


Love,
your self in 2012
 

 

Hunger Games — August 8, 2012

Hunger Games

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since yesterday, the world has been depriving me of food. or source thereof. so far this is my longest no-food-intake record. because the place is flooded and i can’t get out to buy anything and i can no longer scavenge anything from our fridge,too.

then i thought about those kids i stumble upon the stairs of the light rail transit station in Tayuman. the old man on the same stairs who can’t even raise his arms or get up by himself. and that old woman on a wheelchair at the landing. all of them who raise up their palms at every passenger, begging and asking for some change that everyone could spare so they could buy a meal, a piece of bread or noodles, maybe. 

these people — they make me survive hunger. i feel like im still blessed to not starve everyday. to not stay in the station or elsewhere to beg for food. but then i felt more sorry for them — i wonder where they are staying now, now that the streets are flooded and the rain just wont stop. i am starving again, as i write. but who am i to complain? or rant? or whine? i am dry, safe and warm. really starving, yes, but what the hey, i am still blessed, which made me feel guilty again for not being able to do anything for them who are more than just starving. 
 
sigh.
 
looks like the world poured out heavy things on me again. or vice versa.
Sorry for this one — July 8, 2012

Sorry for this one

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No more flag ceremonies. No more hymns. No more uniforms. No more checking attendance. No more signing of clearances. No more syllabi. No more chalkboards. No more whatever, because I am Ma’am, no more.
 
When I was just a pseudo-teacher (first-timer, part-timer, no-license-yet), I told myself maybe it’ll be cool if I’ll try to make a difference in the place. Years passed, four years or so, I got my results:
 
 
 
 
 
INSTITUTION XXXX
 
minus professionalism
minus respect for immediate and not-so-immediate superiors
minus respect for colleagues
minus genuine friendship  
 
equals
 
A VERY BIG DIFFERENCE.
 
 
 
 
Yup, I got a very big difference from a bunch of people, but I wasn’t able to make one in return.
Well I did, actually. I LEFT.
 
Why? They probably knew it by now.
 
But let us pretend the world doesn’t know, yet. So I could lay them all down here. I had the guts to leave, maybe I can also have the guts to write a blog about that place (last time somebody did, heck he was screwed). I don’t know, I just think that I could at least throw back and rub things in their faces, too:
 
 
1. some people feed on other people’s lives. other people’s weaknesses become their source of happiness — they munch on it through spicy gossips.
 
2. hmm….once in a while, we have a meeting.
 
And Wikipedia says:
 
“A meeting is a gathering of two or more people that has been convened for the purpose of achieving a common goal through verbal interaction, such as sharing information or reaching agreement. In a meeting, people come together to discuss one or more topics, often in a formal setting.”
 
For almost every time?
 
 
Gathering of two or more people
 
 
Check.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
*convened for the purpose of achieving a common goal through verbal interaction, such as sharing information or reaching agreement
 
 
Convene means to assemble formally, right? What happened to ‘formally’, then? I guess the point of having one was always missed there. Achieving a common goal was never done — I can remember us having the same topics for almost 2 years. Why? Because people didn’t learn. And why not?  Because they didn’t listen. Why? I don’t know!
 
How about me? What did I do? I sat there. I tried to listen to the speaker — well yeah, I had to try because I can’t hear the person talking in front anymore because the place is uh, noisy. Then I observe people. Try to digest their unbelievable side comments. Watch them frown because they want to wrap it all up so they could eat already. Uh, no offense meant, really. But these things happened every time. And for four years of having these, wouldn’t you just get tired? Geez.
 
 
 
 
 
sharing information or reaching agreement
 
 
I remember some sharing an info, like….
 in “our university” (meaning from where he/she graduated from), it was like blah blah blah…. then the other would say, but no, in [insert univ here] it’s like this, and that…) Geez! How could we ever reach an agreement there for chenyleen’s sake?
 
And whenever this happens, I wanted to utter something genius like….. “makibaka, makibaka”!  
 
 
people come together to discuss one or more topics,

often in a formal setting.
 
 
See  *.
 
 
How many checks do we have up there? Uh, just one? Aww, ain’t that sad, eh?
 
 
 
3. The dictionary defines a superior as “Higher than another in rank, station, or authority; of a higher nature or kind”. Thinkexist, on the other hand, defines a subordinateas: one who stands in order or rank below another; inferior in order, nature, dignity, power, importance, or the like.” Uh, tagalugin natin? Sige……uhm… ang sabi ng statement sa taas ay… uhm… alamin mo daw po ang lugar mo po.
 
If you are a subordinate, and you think you are better than your superior because you believe that he/she is not effective, you can’t just not follow instructions, right? you can’t decide and act on things without your boss’ approval, and you don’t have any excuse to just disrespect him/her. He/she may not be effective or fit for the position, but that doesn’t mean you can act like you’re the boss. Because for obvious reasons, that’s insubordination, any workplace has a consequence for that. Another thing is, you keep blabbing about your boss’ under performance, well did you check yours? And for once, did you ever ask yourself if you’d be the boss right then and there, can you at least do good? Hmp. People talk too much. And boast. But go ask how they perform from a student’s point of view, you’d prolly just want to forget it and go home to play with your lousy dog.
 
And talking about the other end, if you’re the boss, (please) show them you are. If you think you have some shortcomings, then maybe it’s not too late naman po to do something about it, di ba po? Respect is earned din daw po, gawin po kaya natin yang motto for the day every day? Uh-oh. Okay, enough said.
 
4. Genuine friendship is very rare there, I guess. Even super long-time ‘friends’ would talk behind each other’s back. This broke my heart. Not for myself, but for the very few people who are dear to me who are stuck in that place. Sigh. Shame on people who’d hurt a friend just because. Sigh.
 
The list actually goes a long way, but I want to be less of an ass so I am stopping here.
 
I’m just feverish right now, I write things I’m not even allowed to. It’s 33oC here in Manila. Hot temp, hot words? Nah. This is long overdue. And it’s too late to let some of these things out. They probably know these, but won’t just give a damn. And they’d probably read this and just laugh at it and make fun of me and talk about this in their everyday rituals again. But you know what? Go ahead. May you find happiness in what you do, say, think and wish for. And in the middle of all these things that you do, say, think and wish for, may God bless you.
 
Come on. Let’s have sarcasm for dessert.
Good Thing — April 22, 2012

Good Thing

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right now, i’m getting a difficult lesson on putting things in order. on patience. on getting things done. everyday i keep myself preoccupied but i feel like i haven’t really accomplished anything. i work so hard everyday that i feel like the world owes me something, but then again, i also cram on things, so i just expect to be somebody worth forgiving because i go back to the fact that i really try to work hard anyway. everyday, i try to get on my way. sometimes, i go mad.

[shift thoughts].

after all these years, i know that everything comes and goes. things would decline. things would regrow. some, you wouldn’t even know if it was reset or already reached its peak and no one knows what happened next to it.  nothing, really, is ever certain (i know there are exceptions but its a different story). sometimes, you get a stable job then you decide to drop it even if the world says it is beyond reason. you leave your comfort zone, and then move out again and transfer to neverland. the thought that nothing stays the same could probably be very scary to the world. but not me. i totally understand that everything in the universe becomes even more disordered as long as it exists, and we can do nothing about it. i am not scared of uncertainty and inconsistencies. im embracing change, and chaos, and will risk everything for success, happiness and love even if there are certain restraints.

[uh……]

since the start of the year i’ve been bitten in the ass by realization and reality. the bite made me become fully aware that i have the guts to chase after my heart’s desire. and so the pursuit of happiness in terms of what i do and who i want to be begins. and since then, i want to believe that i became a realist. no more day dreaming. no more of those stuff. call me petty or silly or stupid but this is how i want the whole system around me to work. this is me being brave. this is me being real. this is me accepting some things like, i am older, and things are getting not complicated anymore, that i’m a bit weary, yes, but i know that i am loved and i know what i really want now.

i sound like i have learned many things.

hmm.

this is a good thing.

What a crybaby — August 25, 2011

What a crybaby

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sometimes there’s no one else there but your self. to tell you that you are wrong. that you go overboard. that you think and feel so much and it just makes you think and feel so much more that is why you really go overboard and you do or say something wrong.

i don’t understand myself tonight. i feel like i don’t have that thing that says come here, you little fly. and not start the sentence with “oh, come on…” and ends with nothing but a dot.

sometimes i get hurt.

just because i’m whiny and stupid and mushy and wrong and i go overboard.

and i couldn’t do anything but to tell myself to stop being whiny and stupid and everything. and then i try hard to listen to myself so i stop being whiny and all and i end up still being hurt because im longing for that “come here, you little fly” sweet thing.

sigh. am i such a baby.

and baby needs to grow up now.