Dear, World. Love, Jenny.

Jedi thoughts, MD diaries and Random geekiness

okay, this one’s mushy….! — August 4, 2008

okay, this one’s mushy….!

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The latest moment I had with you was like a magical piece of a dream…I stare blankly at the moon tonight and memories of you last night flashed in my head….okay, it wasn’t a dream… last night was real. I know. I just know. Because I can still remember how good it feels to hold your hand, to have you near, the feel of your sweet embrace, our never-ending stories and how you laughed at whatever silly story I tell you, your scent, your kiss and lots of kisses, the tenderness with which we look at each other, a soft smile on your lips that hold so much promise, how you tried hard not to fall asleep just so you could listen to more of my stories, and how cute it is when you just answer me with “hmm-mm” because you were really too sleepy then….hahaha…. cuteness…UGH! Last night was really sweet. Gaaahd, it was beyond sweet and wonderful…. How and why we came to “this”, I really don’t know and understand…but it always make me smile to think how fast and how far things have gone from there…

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okay, world, you might be starting to ask me about this again…haha…ok, you can ask, but don’t expect me to explain or tell you if this one’s real or what…let’s just say this one is just like a private joke/thing you share with someone special and you just want to share it to the world, too, but you wouldn’t really want to explain further…. A’YT??! hahahahahaha….anlabo mo jen!

JUST A CRAZY THOUGHT — July 28, 2008

JUST A CRAZY THOUGHT

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I have a thought today. Hmm. Ok, maybe the “teacher” genes are really expressed in me… Uh, I’m not saying that I am a very good teacher, I wouldn’t know. I don’t trust those instruments for qualitative evaluation of teaching effectiveness. Though it says” very satisfactory”, I really don’t know. It was just a piece of paper to me. Anyway, what really matters is when they (my students) learn something from me…….

these past months, I realized that I am not just ma’am jen, I am also master jedi, I am superman, or peter pan, or genie, or blue fairy or jean grey. I don’t know. This is my crazy thought….that by profession I am a math/chemistry teacher and at the same time I am somebody else with super powers (like Clark Kent and superman, that kind of thing)…crazy thought, yes, but it makes me feel good…that somehow, I inspire people in my own little way, that I am a source of strength for some kids, that I help heal some of their wounds, that I drive their pains away just by being there…ok, believe it or not, world, I can walk on air, I can do stuff like these. Fine, it was JUST ME …JUST ME….Sometimes, superheroes don’t wear costumes…sometimes they just take a form like ME.

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I’m going to write some of my superhero moments next time… As if, jen! (hahahahahahahahaha!)

PAGLAKI KO GUSTO KO MAGING…………… — July 27, 2008

PAGLAKI KO GUSTO KO MAGING……………

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Posted by jen on July 26th 2008 to KWENTO KO

Way back in kindergarten: “…when I grow up, I want to be an engineer or an architect..” uh huh, hindi ko nga ata alam kung ano ang engineer noon…at ang architect? Uh, basta, alam ko lang nun, magaling daw ako magdrawing kaya pwede raw ako maging architect…wahaha…ano ba…ok, primary level, yea, ang alam ko gusto kong maging isang inhinyero o architect nga…

Highschool. Hindi na masyadong napapansin ang pagdo-drawing.Nagsimula ng matuwa sa biology. Sa chemistry.Naisip ko, pano ba maging scientist? Masaya kayang maging ganun? Mahirap bang maging ganun?

Kolehiyo. Nakuha ko sagot sa tanong ko nung highschool. OO,Mahirap. Mahirap maging scientist lalo na kung ganitong level lang ang I.Q. ko. Naman, nag-aral maging chemist, oo, pero hindi maging scientist. Kundi maging isang doctor. Pre-med daw. Naman. Haha. Ok. Grumadweyt din kahit papano, nagboards, naawa ang Diyos at ipinasa ng dasal, naging chemist. Napagod mag-aral. Mahal na mag-aral. Hindi na naging doctor.

Trabaho. Research assistant. Chemistry. Laboratory. Pero iba ang gustong gawin. Ibang trabaho. Graphic artist sana. At lalo na ang robotics. Kung sana ay mas pinili ko ang electrical engineering sa beyubs kesa bs chemistry sa peyups, eh di sana may pag-asa pakong mapunta sa robotics na yan. pero nangyari na ang nagyari, yun na yun.

Trabaho ulit. Chemist pa din. Ayos lang. May natututunan. May sweldo. Pero…….sige, diretsuhin ko na…hindi ako masaya. Tunog big-time lang ang pagiging chemist. Whoa sa-yan-tis ka, jen?! (sagot ng utak ko: hindi, SAYANGtist ako. Pakiramdam ko kasi ang lousy kong chemist. Hindi efficient. Di ko kasi gusto ginagawa ko. Yun)…

Isa pang trabaho. Ganun ulit. Ayoko na talaga. Iyak ang isinagot ko sa boss ko nung tinanong niya ko kung ok lang ako. Sabi niya: “it’s time to shift gear, jen… go ahead…just finish our project then go. Do what makes you happy. Ay bata ka, when you become older and more mature, tatawanan mo ang araw na to”. Ugh. Apat na oras kong iniyakan ang boss ko na napakabusy 24/7. (Wah! Pasensha ka na, ma’am pythias, adik ako nun, alam mo naman po un, di po ba?Hahahaha. Pero salamat, ma’am. Basta. Hehe). At haaaaaaaaay. Tama nga ang boss ko, dumating yung araw na tinawanan ko ang araw na yun. Ugh. Ahahaha.Hay. Ok…shift gear daw….

Shift gear. U-turn. Uwi sa probinsya. Nagpaka-bum. Shift gear. Nagtayo ng computer shop. Shift gear uli.

Teacher. Pinaka-ayaw ko to nung bata ako. Dahil lang sa rason na to: malaking responsibilidad, at napakadaming trabaho!!!! Teacher ang lola ko. Ang isa ko pang lola, ang nanay ko, ang tito ko, ang pinsan ko… pero hindi ko naisip na sasali ako sa kanila. Pero ayun. Naging teacher ako ngayon, o. uh huh…ok…eh, kumusta naman maging teacher, jen?

Masaya. Nagkaron ako ng kwenta.

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oo, alam ko. Bitin ang ending ng sinulat ko. Hindi ko kasi alam kung bakit pagka-typeko nung “nagkaron ako ng kwenta.” eh lahat ng isinusunod kong itype na mga salita ay nauuwi lang sa pagpindot ng backspace. Siguro dahil sapat nang sagot ang dalawang linyang yun…..siguro nga ganun.siguro nga…

OF TEACHING AND CURSING — July 19, 2008

OF TEACHING AND CURSING

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Sometimes I want to curse them to their faces, but I think teachers are not allowed to do that. (Are they?) Haha, why am I not sure about it? Aren’t teachers human,too? Don’t they get mad like everybody else and have a license to curse all they want?

Last sem, I had the best students (uh, so far, they were the best, hehe)…and last sem was my first time… first time to teach, first time to be called “ma’am” (it used to scare me to death every time they call me that, wahaha)…but after the first quarter I got a hang of it, i was able to win over my fear of public speaking, I was able to see the real picture, I was able to learn their “culture” (which is far too different with mine, naman kasi…wala na yatang kasing babaliw pa sa kulturang peyups)…anyways, my profs in college curse in front of us whenever we get stupid, or when we give them dim-witted answers, or we do foolish stuff like copying the figure from our notes, hoping that we’ll get partial points for it but instead this is what we got:

my super genius quantum chemistry prof: “mga taga UP pa man din kayo, ang tatanga niyo, and f*ck, you even copied the figure I gave you, do you even understand what it is? Do you want me to take off my shoe and spank you? Do you want me to send all of you back to kindergarten? Get out of this room, you, s*ckers! “

Uh huh, they curse you and say nasty things to you when they know you can’t curse back (uh, well you can, actually, haha, sa isip mo, especially when they ask you to solve a multiple integration problem, nakanampuch!!!)…well anyways, going back to teaching and cursing,uh,I’m not proud of it but I did curse a lot in class last sem… it was just like an expression, especially when I’m talking nonsense already (tae na, ano na pinagsasabi ko?!) and then my students will just laugh and say, haha, madam an ngimot mo! (translation: yang bibig mo, ma’am)…haaay, embarrassing, haha! I don’t know, sometimes I just forget that I am not living in the same crazy world that I used to…I also forget that I am not just jen. I am ma’am jen. Ma’am. Bigat. Nyay. Katakot. Nakatingin kasi lahat. Naririnig ka din ng lahat.

So there, I tried my best to stop cursing. (Well at least not in front of my class). But second sem came…this sem is totally different…some of my students are not like the first batch of kids that I had… maybe they are also the bunch of kids who aren’t pleased to have me as their instructor…or maybe they are just a bunch of jerks and b*tches that would really get into your nerves and let you curse again like hell…but then again, I am ma’am. i shouldn’t be taking things personally…I can’t please everybody, yes, and for pete’s sake, i don’t go to school just to please them…I go to class to feed their bratty minds with variables and terms and electron configurations and forces and laws of motion. All those shit. If they don’t want to see me, then maybe they should start filling up their dropping forms… whether they like to learn or not, I will teach. if they bitch around, I will kick their dumb asses and curse.

Naah, things aren’t like that…haha… (uh, maybe, for a while pala nangyari at naramdaman ko yan, maybe nagwawala lang hormones ko that time. haha immature jen.) hmp,but usually, I spoil my students…they listen, they learn, we laugh, we have fun, they curse and I laugh. Hay. I am ma’am. I don’t curse in class now. no more cursing for jen….. Uhh….F**k, why not…?

(Sign out.)

HANGARIN KO LANG AY MATULUNGAN AT MAPASAYA KA. — July 14, 2008

HANGARIN KO LANG AY MATULUNGAN AT MAPASAYA KA.

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Posted by jen on July 13th 2008 to JEDI STUFF

Nakakapagod na. nakakapagod ka ng pagmasdan. Nakakapagod ng marinig at mabasa ng paulit-ulit ang kalungkutan mo. Ano ba, ano bang balak mo? Malungkot araw-araw, gabi- gabi o maglungkut-lungkutan sa dapit-hapon, madaling araw, pagsikat at paglubog ng araw, sa bawat kabilugan ng buwan at pagpatak ng ulan, paglitaw ng bahaghari o sa bawat pagihip ng hangin?

Bakit ka ba nalulungkot? Sasagot ka na naman ng basta. Minsan gusto ko ng isipin na ang basta ay nangangahulugan ng “ikaw kasi”. Ako nga naman kasi. Ano? Anong pagkakamali ba nagawa ko sa’yo?

Ako kasi. Ako kasi. Ako kasi…….

OO. Ako naman kasi. Epal. Nagpaka-superhero sa buhay mo. Pasensya na. Ganun akong klaseng tao eh, kung may problema ka, susubukan kong tulungan ka, kung wala man akong magawa, kaya kong makinig sa mga hinaing mo at magsalita at kausapin ka at subukang pagaanin ang anumang dinadala mo.

At oo, ako naman kasi. Andaming lambing sa katawan. Pasensha na ulit, ganun akong klaseng tao eh.

At oo, ako naman kasi ulit at ulit at ulit-ulitin ng maraming ulit, minahal ka ng sobra na parang tunay na kapatid. Pero pasensha na, dahil ako naman kasi, hindi ko mapilit sarili ko na maging “kung anong gusto mong maging ako sayo”……kailangan pa ba ‘yun? Yun lang ba importante sa’yo?

Kung nalulungkot ka dahil wala ng makitang tama ang mundo sa’yo, mag-isip ka. Tama ba sila o hinuhusgahan ka lang nila? Mas nakakalungkot ata na hinuhusgahan ka na ng mundo pero mas pinipili mong ipakita sa mundo na tama sila….

Kung nalulungkot ka dahil hindi napupuri, napapasalamatan at napapalakpakan ang bawat pagod at hirap mo, mag-isip ka ulit. Bakit mo nga ba ginawa yun, para makatulong o para palakpakan at hangaan?

Kung nalulungkot ka dahil pakiramdam mo kinakawawa ka, buksan mo isip mo. Sa pagkakaalam ko, base sa mga kinuwento at inirereklamo mo sakin, isa o dalawa lang naman ang malaki at totoo mong problema. Yung natitira, kagagawan mo na. Kelan ka titigil sa pagpapahirap sa sarili mo? Ikaw lang naman mismo ang kumakawawa at nagpapalungkot sa sarili mo. Hindi ibang tao, hindi ang mga taong nasa paligid mo, o ang matalik mong kaibigan o ang taong itinitibok ng puso mo. Tumingin ka sa paligid mo ngayon, kung ipapabilang ko ba sa’yo ang alam mong minamahal ka ng totoo, ilan at kani-kaninong pangalan ang isasagot mo? Alam kong kasama ang pangalan ko, at alam kong kasama ang pangalan ng kakilala ko. Ayan, di ka lang siguro malulungkot sa mga nasabi ko, malamang nagalit ka pa, ako naman kasi, kung anu-ano pinagsasabi. Diretso. Sapul. Hindi masamang umaray. Ayos lang din kung magagalit ka sa ngayon. Pero ang ilapat lahat yan sa pagmumukha mo ang natatanging paraan na naiisip ko para naman ang susunod na makikita ko sa’yo at mababasa ko, eh hindi na puro kalungkutan.

Bata ka pa. Sayang ang panahon kung igugugol lang lahat sa kalungkutan, sa pagmumura, sa pag-iisip ng masasamang bagay, sa pagsugat sa sarili, sa pagmamahal na binabalot ng selos at galit, sa pakikipagkaibigan sa bisyo at mabisyong kaibigan, sa pagpapabaya sa pag-aaral, sa pagsayang ng oras sa walang kwenta at walang kabuluhang bagay, sa hindi pagsunod sa magulang o nanay-nanayan at tatay-tatayan, sa hindi pagtupad sa pangako, at sa hindi maniwalang may magagandangbagay sa mundo na para lang din sa’yo.

Pasensha na. Ako naman kasi. Walang ibang hinangad kundi ang kaligayahan mo. Ako naman kasi, walang ibang gusto kundi ang mapaayos ang buhay mo. Hmp. Ako naman kasi…Ako naman lagi.

Responses to “HANGARIN KO LANG AY MATULUNGAN AT MAPASAYA KA.”

1. Itna (July 16th, 2008 11:07 pm)

sino ito?!!! nakaka-intriga!!!

2. rose (September 8th, 2008 1:42 am)

jen?! is this in response to an article i read somewhere? which has a line that goes “kung anong gusto mong maging ako sayo”…… and all those ikaw kasi, ako kasi, ako ulit kasi at ikaw nman kasi?

if so, gosh…. i didnt realize it was u the author was talking about. and i thought the person who left was a big time jerk.

hahahaha.small world

3. eongrey (September 10th, 2008 6:21 am)

what are you talking about, rose? hahaha……………. nah, nagkataon lang siguro lahat..haha..weird!