Dear, World. Love, Jenny.

master yoda wrote:

EONGREY

What does your heart desire?
Catch a star with a wire…
Go and find,
Search and wind.
Fly to a place of strange sights,
Then ride ten thousand days-nights.

Hear the mermaids singing,
As it wash-off your desire that’s stinging.
There, discern the badge that you’ve stitched
Was a mirage that’s ditched.

Such voyaging were sweet.
Oblivious, at next door you might meet.
Need not go to distant view,
Your heart’s desire is in you!

Eongrey’s reply:

you told me I should make myself as my subject for once. So this is that one time.

I know that an “I don’t know” is not acceptable so I’ll give it a shot. What does my heart desire. Maybe right now I wish I can find reasons for myself. why I find this kind of question as always one of the hardest. That’s why I guess for the longest time, I never really answered your poem.

I wish I could re-dream and continue dreaming even if half of my wish list is already marked with an [X] before each one of them. I wish I can make them happy and proud without really trying so hard— my family, you and a couple of true friends, and of course, mushy. That way I know I can do my work better even if it’s consuming. That way I wouldn’t be feeding the negative vibes about myself. that way, I’d be wanting to be just me.

I wish I can really grow where I am planted. But I also want to be strong enough to cut out my own roots if I know that I really have to leave. But from where I am growing roots now, I wish I am needed, even if I appear like just a reed. A reed is good, right? it’d still be standing there even after a storm has passed. Not really standing tall and rigid, but it’s still there no matter what.

I have learned to try harder to endure a lot of things. At some point in my life I think I felt the saddest emotion you can find here and in hell. But I get pass through that. Now, I wish I wouldn’t be scared to feel sadness again so I wouldn’t be thinking and doing stupid things. i have been doing major progress in my life. From the worst person to bad and then good. I’ve been friends with the dark side for quite a while. I bet you don’t know that. The padawan does. And it’s the padawan who pulled me back to the good force. And I wish if I couldn’t advance to ‘better’ just yet, I wish I’d stay being the good person that I know. I cant go back to the dark side. Because that would mean losing everything. That even the light saber wouldn’t glow ever at all.

I wish I know who really said that “happiness is a choice”. Because it is not. Or is it? No I think it’s not. It couldn’t be a choice. Because it just happens. Happiness is within me. I have reasons to be happy. What I want now is to let it stay forever within me. What I want now and always is to give back that happiness to the reason of my happiness, to my happy thought, and to my one true love. I can’t screw up, master yoda. Even if I get second and more chances, I don’t want to screw things up anymore. Because again, I can’t lose this one. I just can’t.

I told you, my answer to your “what does your heart desire” question is I don’t know. If I answered “I wanna be a billionaire so effing bad” would you be glad? Haha. C’mon, I really don’t know. Maybe I just want to become somebody who is good and loving and doesn’t screw things up. I guess I just want to be cool jen, profound eongrey, half-anakin-half-obiwan-jedi and most of all, cheesy mushy.

Hrrr! I don’t know. I really I don’t now!

ngayong araw na to pakiramdam ko tumama na naman ako sa lotto.

siyempre hindi pako tumatama sa lotto talaga, yung pakiramdam na manalo dun ay parang pinangarap ko lang at nakuha ko yun ulit kanina. biruin mo, sabi ng kaibigan kong dalubhasa sa estadistika, ang tsansa na tamaan ako ng kidlat ay mas malaki pa kesa sa tsansa na tumama ako sa lotto — kung sakali mang tumataya talaga ako.

wala naman akong ginawa talaga. hindi naman siguro kasama ang pagpapapakyut ko, o pagngiti at belat na parang bata, o ang pang-abnoy kong mga kwento para maging sadya lang akong maswerte at maka-jackpot.

pero…hindi kita natsambahan lang. hindi ka rin laro lang. kaya tatanggalin ko na ang pagkukumpara sayo sa lotto. pero gayunpaman, ganun pa rin ako kaswerte! yung tipong sa pagkatagal-tagal ng panahon, ako lang ang inulan ng pinakamatinding ano ba tawag dito — (hahaha), kasi naman, kung sobrang pagmamahal ang tawag dito, mas matindi pa dun. hindi sakto yun eh. kaya hindi ko alam. pinakamatinding-ano-ba-tawag-dito-na-ako-lang-meron na lang siguro ang tawag dun. 🙂

———————-

nagiisip ako kung paano ko ba ipapaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko. at habang ginagawa ko yun, tumunganga ako sa monitor ng kompyuter habang nakapangalumbaba. napangiti ako dahil naamoy ko ang pabango mo, na kumapit sa kamay ko. nakakatuwa rin dahil biglang ang pangangalumbaba na ang paborito kong gawain sa gabing to. (haha). susubukan ko ring mangalumbaba hanggang maalala ko ulit na ang paghinga ay hindi puro singhot lang. yan. ganyan. ganyang-ganyan ako mabaliw sa kahit simpleng bagay lamang na may kinalaman sayo. kung pag-aadik na ang tawag dito, hindi eh. hindi rin lang sakto yun. 🙂

———————-

alam mo ba kasi kung ano ginawa mo sakin ngayong araw na to? tinuruan mo akong kumapit ulit sa pangarap. at tinulungan mo pa akong sumunggap ng mahigpit. dahil sa pangakong sabay nating haharapin lahat.

iba man ang mundong tinahak natin noon, sa pagkakataong ito, kasabay ng salamangka ng kung anumang tawag dito, nabuo ang iisang pangarap na sabay nating aabutin. nakakapagod rin ang tatlong dekada na tinahak ko —- mula doon sa “paglaki ko gusto ko maging….” hanggang sa “wow pare, scientist ako, ‘stiiiig”….hanggang sa “…ako si ma’am”…hanggang sa “landas ng mga master”…biruin mo yun? sabihin na nating may narating na ako kahit papano dahil sa mga yan…pero hindi eh. ikaw lang naman pala. ikaw lang naman pala ang magbibigay ng ano bang tawag sa kasiyahang to — kahit walang diploma, kahit walang lisensya.

at ngayong araw lang din ako umorder ng bihon, pero ang inihain sakin ay lomi. (haha)… ang init ng lomi ha, kasing init ng pagmamahal mo (hahaha, banat, excuse me). pero kung iisipin, minsan may hinihingi ako, pero ang binibigay mo sakin, iba. labis-labis. iba ka eh. alam mo kung ano mas masaya, mas karapat-dapat, mas tumatatak. 🙂

ngayong araw tinuruan mo ko. na kailangan ko ring maglibang sa pagtuturo at trabaho. na kailangan ko lang ulit ibalik ang pagtatyaga ko para sa mabisang pagtuturo, yung may kasamang tamang-presko pero hindi nagpapakyut. tinuruan mo akong mabuhay ng may katiyakan ulit, manipa ng asno, maniwala ulit sa sarili.

bumili ako ngayon ng walong bolpen. naka-jackpot ako eh, di ba? walong bolpen. dalawang pula, pangtsek ng mga papel. tatlong asul pangsulat ng mga puna sa thesis. tatlong itim, pangsulat ng mga liham ko para sayo.

salamat sa lahat. salamat sa araw na ‘to.

salamat sa kung ano mang tawag dito. (._.)

1. a zero desire on almost everything would come just when your to do checklist is as long as a rolled 2-ply toilet paper.

2. technology doesn’t know shit. power outage does. and when you need to get things done, power fails and so you cant get any help from no-shit tech. but isn’t “tech” the nickname of our Electricity Distribution Company? oh shit.

3. for the little whinies, come on, even sadness has to sleep.

4. when you cross your finger, what do you hope for? for “that thing” to happen or not? maybe we have to standardize this one: middle finger crossed over the forefinger, you hope for “it” to happen. otherwise, it’s the forefinger who’d cross over. how about that?

5. do you have friends who are in love with your hurt? the kinds who rub things on your face? if you do, think about why you’re still keeping them.

6. when the trap door opens that means….you’ve hit bottom or passed out…..and then that also means that you forgot about that little buddy again. uh, liver? our common friend, remember?

7. lets make this world forget about being fun-repellent. lets try harder if all else fail.

8. if you haven’t had a good amount of uninterrupted sleep in days, do you think you need a brain break? i think i do. i’m tired of having short power naps all night long.

9. You can’t paint the town red when you’re feeling blue. try a monochrome rainbow, shade of of-course-you-know-what-already. duh.

10. So many thoughts are racing around in my brain, and it’s more than my head can consume. but for some thoughts and details that i can keep and remember, i’m telling you, i can even regurgitate the emotions.

11. if you see kaye, ask her who the hey invented sembreak and smash ’em! if you say its sembreak, yey!, id say: no, seriously? get out of my dream!

12. and if I hear someone say, “Tama” one more time in that way (as in tomooo), I’m going to punch them in the throat. I’ve heard it a hundred fckin times today. buy some noice timing, guys. geez.