Dear, World. Love, Jenny.

Jedi thoughts, MD diaries and Random geekiness

Unloved Possession — February 28, 2011

Unloved Possession

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I know this thing starts out as a square sheet — a blend composite that consists of part PVC material and part polyester. Sounds really keen, huh? But I’d like to wham it now. I mean both of them. Blast them PVC cards!

 
I could have just gotten and hated one. But I didn’t. I got two. Two professional licenses, which means, it is hate, doubled. Ironic how a lot of the people around me now are dying to have one, and yet I’m saying these things. Fine, I understand the part of wanting to have a license. But trust me, it really is a fuss. Why do I hate having my licenses, you ask? Well, it’s because (1) I had to go to school for 18 long years just to be ‘qualified’ to have them; (2) I had to go through two effing board exams to have it, for me to have a “permission to practice” chemistry and college teaching; (3) it is a restricting entry — meaning I have to stay competent, and everything I do has to be regulated and morally correct, like it’s the techie counterpart of the WWJD (what would Jesus do) wrist band I once have.

 
My licenses used to be my boosts. They inspire me in many ways that even a Jedi couldn’t imagine. But now I feel like they’re weights chained on my feet as I drown in the vasty deep. Because everyday, as I do my job, the world is expecting too much from me. And most of the time, I chase after one motivation to another. They are like my guards. Or lifetime evaluation sheets. Or inanimate bosses. Suffocating.

 
Well yeah. Professional license. I got two. Lucky, you say? Maybe. Maybe not. Or maybe I just got the wrong ones. Sigh.

THE LETTER — January 21, 2011

THE LETTER

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Dearest Jenski,

Happy, happy Birthday! 🙂

For some reason, the past seem like a blur already. After I came home, my immediate past has been filled with concerns related to my job, my students… While I give myself the chance to look back at the past and smile at the memories of friendships, I don’t dwell on it anymore. I just want to look forward. Teaching has given me a new purpose…

Jenski, when I found out you were teaching, I was immensely proud of you! When you tell me your little stories and share with me your thoughts about your students and teaching, I can imagine you being happy and content.

While the mysterious, almost “dark” Jen was also special, I think I like this Jenski better. I can feel the happiness in your words, in your thoughts… Before, in your low moments, your pain, your sadness was obvious that sometimes it scared me. However, there was that part of you that is shining brightly…

You’ve read “Kitchen” by Banana Yoshimoto? You’re like one of those characters there… you managed to lift yourself up despite the darkness you’ve been through because of something inside of you … maybe it was the beauty of your poems which gave me the assurance that you will be OK. Don’t ask me why. I cannot explain it myself and that was the reason why I encouraged you to keep on writing… I look forward to that 1st published book of Jen’s poems.

In the meantime, enjoy what you’re doing. I always tell my friends that people seek for that fountain of youth but I have found it in teaching…I always feel there’s so much love around me, within me, because I teach. While I may not look young anymore (too many white hairs!), inside of me, I feel young. And my dear beautiful Jenski, who dances like a pro (alternative 3rd career!), will always stay young at heart… I cannot imagine you growing old! 🙂

I just wish you ALL THE BEST!!! Continue to be happy and continue to keep in touch with your Ate Rica, OK? I miss you and I’ll be praying extra for you during your special day. Take care! Love you! Mwah!

Hugs,

Ate Rics

Di KO ALAM — January 20, 2011

Di KO ALAM

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*kung bakit parang nagdadabog ang dibdib ko, hindi ko alam.

*kung bakit din sandamakmak ang gagawin pero sumampay lang na naman ako sa mesang may kupas na balot at tinatamad kumilos, ay hindi ko rin alam. siguro dahil napakarami nila kaya hindi ko na alam kung saan ko sila sisimulan. o dahil talagang kanina pa halos ayaw ko na lang nga bumangon.

*kung bakit halos ayaw ko bumangon, ay hindi ko alam — hindi ko alam kung dahil wala naman kasi akong klase buong araw o dahil masyado kasing malamig para iwanan ang mainit-init na lugar sa kama na halos di iniwan ng nakakumot at hindi na ata gumalaw na sarili.

*kung bakit napapakunot ang kilay ko sa tunog ng binabarenang dingding sa kabilang kwarto ay hindi ko alam. butasan kung butasan, kabitan kung kabitan. palamigin kung palamigin.

*kung bakit prime number ang 2 ay hindi ko alam.

*kung bakit nangangamoy usok ang estudyanteng nagtatrabaho dito sa opisina ay hindi ko alam kung saan man siya napadpad — usok galing sa apoy sa impyerno o usok galing sa kidlat sa taas.

*kung bakit naging parallel ang lines sa X sa finite plane ay hindi ko alam. gusto lang siguro ako pahirapan ng kasama ko dito. misery loves company kumbaga.

*kung bakit ang horror movies ay hindi naman nakakatakot pero nakakadiri lang sa mga pinapakitang wasak-wasak o uka-uka na dugo-dugo na parte ng katawan, ay hindi ko alam bakit hindi grose movie ang tawag sa kanila.

*kung bakit eto ang mga sinulat ko pero hindi naman talaga ito ang mga nais kong isulat eh hindi ko alam.

ngayong araw na ‘to, ang mga ‘yan ang hindi ko alam. papano pa kaya yung ilang araw sa tatlumpong taon ko dito. pano pa kaya sa mga susunod na araw ng buhay ko.

marami akong hindi alam. hindi ko rin alam kung bakit ganon.

AKO SI ULAN — January 16, 2011

AKO SI ULAN

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umuulan na naman. pero hindi malungkot ang pagkakasabi ko niyan. naaalala ko lang na palagi mo sinasabi sa akin na ako si Ulan. Pa’no nga ba naman kasi, sa bawat pagkakataon dati na pupuntahan kita, kahit gaano pa katindi ang sikat ng araw, pagdating na pagdating ko umuulan…naaalala ko rin ang pagkakataong bigla ka magtitext na “malapit ka na makadating dito noh?” at magtataka ako pa’no mo alam na paparating na nga pala ako….at pagkatapos susundan mo ng mensahe na “nagsisimula na kasi umulan bigla dito eh”.

natutuwa ako sa mga ganung pagkakataon. natutuwa rin ako sa ilang beses na aayain kita maglakad habang umaambon o umuulan, at pinapayagan mo ko. tapos hindi tayo nagkakasakit pagkatapos ng pagtakbo-takbo at pagtatampisaw sa tubig-ulan na sinalo ng daan. nakakatuwa na para tayong mga bata, na natutuwa kahit nababasa, at pagtatawanan natin ang isa’t isa dahil nanginginig tayo sa lamig at hindi natin alam kung papano gagawin para malabanan ang ginaw. sisigaw, tatawa, magsisiksikan, tatawa ulet, hahanap ng makakainan para makahigop ng mainit na sabaw o magkakape.

mahal ko ang ulan. at pinakamamahal kita. bumubuhos ang ulan ngayon halos araw-araw. bumubuhos din ang pagmamahal ko sayo sa bawat araw ng buhay ko. kailanman hanggat nandito ang mundo, alam kong nariyan ang ulan….kailanman, hanggat tumitibok ang puso ko, andyan ang pagmamahal ko sa’yo.

ulan. ako si ulan.

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salamat sa litrato mo:
Their Sad Story — January 10, 2011

Their Sad Story

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I’ve heard of great love stories. and i’ve heard some of it coming to an end. Not because fire went out. But because of a CHOICE.

One may choose to give it up because of another priority.
So the other one who gets left behind would feel like he’s stabbed repeatedly: Because obviously, he wasn’t the priority. Or his partner didn’t choose him — like fighting for love no matter what, wasn’t the choice.
And i think this kind of thing is CRAP. and painful. and cowardly.
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this goes to all those who have been a sacrificial lamb in their love stories. may you find great or greater love. may you have strength to go on and love again.