Dear, World. Love, Jenny.

i realized that everyday since i met you, you are like my own version of Mr. Sun who have just woken up, Mr. Sun who is so much vibrant, and Mr. Sun who leaves sleepy in his eyes. my anti and post merridian. Mr. Sun in apparent solar time, the midday, the midnight and everything in between all those mid’s.

 yes. everyday is like that with you. you’re like my childhood day’s favorite color. yellow, which reminds me of many things —sunshine, warmth, happiness, fun, friendship, intelligence, Mardi Gras, summer, lemons, easter, autumn, electricity, hope, optimism, imagination, curiosity, and love. you are my little miss sunshine.

 you are also my driving force. and by force i don’t just mean any influence that causes a free body to undergo a change in speed, direction or shape.[haha, you know we both know physics but we’re not the type who have fun to actually dig it]. you are my every-part-of-the-day’s good force. the gentle push in my life, especially when things are getting rough, when trying to catch up with responsibilities seems to be a never-ending gain-on game, when work is an energy drainer, and when life is such a horrible bully. you are my own pull-ey. you pull me to a hug just when i need it — when i’m on the verge of growing my horns again and be the monster i once was. when i lose the jedi in me, when i’m about to let go of my grip to my self and dreams, when i’m scared of those spiders, when i am sick and cry like a baby, when i make silly faces, when i am the corniest man alive, when i dance that oldies dance, and when i say how much i love you. you are my favorite and only block and tackle piece. you’re the unique pulley that pulls me but never knew the mechanism of release.

 i have said this in various ways and forms, but you are really the best part of me and all the other personalities i consciously, and unconsciously keep.

i didn’t lose count of our mushy days. its just that every day is, and there’s no point in counting something that i believe has no end. that’s why i’m greeting you “happy nth mushy day” now. (._.)

i love you beyond belief. don’t ask me why again because i said ‘beyond belief‘. haha. i would probably use up all the memory alloted by this blog and you’d find out that the virtual space they have is way insufficient to write down all my reasons.

there.

you can kiss me now. 😀

i noticed the only things that are growing here are the trees and buildings — only those which are rooted in the ground.

if you look at this place, you could see that it’s not that vast but it’s big enough to nurse anything that seeks growth. the place has rooms for expansion, for creativity, for great possibilities. but as I’ve said, the only things that are shooting up here are those that are literally rooted on the ground.

this place is visited by many potentials. bombarded with raw data that are never put to use. this place is desperately tilling, feeding and watering portions that we all know can no longer produce and not even support life. this place is inviting diverse species and wouldn’t fairly feed the players.

grow where you’re planted, they say. having un-stunted growth is hard. where you are rooted and who takes care of you makes it more complicated and harder. you may be planted in a special pot. or you may be where everything’s insufficient.

i don’t know where my spot is. i guess they haven’t really noticed me there. maybe i’m beneath some huge tree that i think i’d forever be just standing under its shadow.

there are days like this when i feel like some things are not there. Light. Power. Time. — when everything that reminds me of a busy life had finally ceased to exist. And i had the chance to just watch the world from my window pane. The rippling action of raindrops on the street water. The slow dance of the umbrellas passing through. The waving repetitions in the paraphernalia of my hometown’s fiesta. The nipa huts and colorful buildings that are all waiting for the wind and rain to stop and calm down.

Today i had a break from a busy life. I had sound sleep. I got to watch the world. I got more time talking with love. These. These are the things that i could still thank for even during hard times. [and of course, on top of everything else, I pray that we could all get pass through the storm safe].

Sinasabi ko na nga ba. kahit anong gawin ko, wala talagang takas. Pwera na lang siguro kung mawala ako sa katinuan o hindi na huminga o bumigay na ang utak ng tuluyan.

Wala ng titigas pa sa rehas o sa konkretong pader. Wala na ring lalakas pa sa batas ng mundo. Wala na ring nakakatakot pa sa habol ng konsensya. Wala na ring nakakasakal pa sa mga hinihingi ng pang-araw-araw na pamumuhay. Kung sino mang umayon sa mga sinabi ko, nagkakamali ka. Dahil may isang bagay na kahit anong gawin ko, ay higit pa sa mga bagay na ito. Ang habang-buhay na bilangguan. Magpakailanmang kulungan —- ang aking sarili.

Mula pagkabata, wala ng titigas pa sa ulo ko. Bakit ba hindi ko matutunan na pwede kong habulin ang anumang pangarap na gusto ko. Na pwede namang magsalita at manindigan para sa mga gusto kong mangyari sa buhay. Pero hindi ko ginawa. Hinayaan kong ibang tao ang bumuo ng landas na tatahakin ko. Na halos one-way, no U-turn at pundido ang pulang ilaw sa traffic lights.

Wala na ring lalakas at nakakatakot pa sa mga emosyon ko. Parang mga bombang sumasabog sa bawat pagkakataong nagtatalo ang kabutihan at kasamaan sa aking pagkatao. Nakaka-alarma. Pabugso-bugso. Na tipong hindi ko alam kung nagiging si incredible hulk ba’ko na nagwawala at nagsisisigaw na parang wala ng bukas o nagiging isang di-malamang makina na dumudura ng mura sa mundo kapag nababanas at napuputa.

Wala na ring nakakasakal pa sa mga paulit-ulit na pangyayari ng mga bagay-bagay na dapat sana’y natutunan ko na sa unang beses pa lang na maranasan. Nakaka-umay. Nakakagago.

Wala na nga akong kawala sa aking sarili. Sa aking mga saloobin. Sa aking diwa. Sa aking buong pagkatao. Parang isang bilanggong napagbintangan, ikinulong at sinintensyahan habang-buhay. Oo nga. oo na.

Kailangan ko na sigurong tanggapin na panghabang-buhay na akong makikipagbuno, makikipag-away, makikipaglaban, sasang-ayon na lang sa mala-diktador na sarili o madalas pa ring kokontra. Ngunit kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ko makakamit ang aking kalayaan sa tulong ng: pagbibilang ng mga taon [sa pamamagitan ng pagtanda at matutong mag-isip ng maayos at maging maalam sa buhay], o sa perang pampyansa sa mga araw na nakokonsensya ako sa mga bagay na tulad ng panlalait, pagmamarunong, pagmamayabang, at pagmumura sa mundo.

Maaaring may susi palabas, ngunit sa pagkakataong ito, ako ay pinakamahina. Saktong halimbawa ng pagdagdag sa sarili ng mas marami pang kadena at kandado. Sutil. Pahirap sa sarili.

Eto ako. Eto na nga siguro ako. Preso, hindi ng mundo kundi ng sarili.

Hay. Sinasabi ko nga ba.