2008-07-14T05:48:00+00:00

Posted by jen on July 13th 2008 to JEDI STUFF

Nakakapagod na. nakakapagod ka ng pagmasdan. Nakakapagod ng marinig at mabasa ng paulit-ulit ang kalungkutan mo. Ano ba, ano bang balak mo? Malungkot araw-araw, gabi- gabi o maglungkut-lungkutan sa dapit-hapon, madaling araw, pagsikat at paglubog ng araw, sa bawat kabilugan ng buwan at pagpatak ng ulan, paglitaw ng bahaghari o sa bawat pagihip ng hangin?

Bakit ka ba nalulungkot? Sasagot ka na naman ng basta. Minsan gusto ko ng isipin na ang basta ay nangangahulugan ng “ikaw kasi”. Ako nga naman kasi. Ano? Anong pagkakamali ba nagawa ko sa’yo?

Ako kasi. Ako kasi. Ako kasi…….

OO. Ako naman kasi. Epal. Nagpaka-superhero sa buhay mo. Pasensya na. Ganun akong klaseng tao eh, kung may problema ka, susubukan kong tulungan ka, kung wala man akong magawa, kaya kong makinig sa mga hinaing mo at magsalita at kausapin ka at subukang pagaanin ang anumang dinadala mo.

At oo, ako naman kasi. Andaming lambing sa katawan. Pasensha na ulit, ganun akong klaseng tao eh.

At oo, ako naman kasi ulit at ulit at ulit-ulitin ng maraming ulit, minahal ka ng sobra na parang tunay na kapatid. Pero pasensha na, dahil ako naman kasi, hindi ko mapilit sarili ko na maging “kung anong gusto mong maging ako sayo”……kailangan pa ba ‘yun? Yun lang ba importante sa’yo?

Kung nalulungkot ka dahil wala ng makitang tama ang mundo sa’yo, mag-isip ka. Tama ba sila o hinuhusgahan ka lang nila? Mas nakakalungkot ata na hinuhusgahan ka na ng mundo pero mas pinipili mong ipakita sa mundo na tama sila….

Kung nalulungkot ka dahil hindi napupuri, napapasalamatan at napapalakpakan ang bawat pagod at hirap mo, mag-isip ka ulit. Bakit mo nga ba ginawa yun, para makatulong o para palakpakan at hangaan?

Kung nalulungkot ka dahil pakiramdam mo kinakawawa ka, buksan mo isip mo. Sa pagkakaalam ko, base sa mga kinuwento at inirereklamo mo sakin, isa o dalawa lang naman ang malaki at totoo mong problema. Yung natitira, kagagawan mo na. Kelan ka titigil sa pagpapahirap sa sarili mo? Ikaw lang naman mismo ang kumakawawa at nagpapalungkot sa sarili mo. Hindi ibang tao, hindi ang mga taong nasa paligid mo, o ang matalik mong kaibigan o ang taong itinitibok ng puso mo. Tumingin ka sa paligid mo ngayon, kung ipapabilang ko ba sa’yo ang alam mong minamahal ka ng totoo, ilan at kani-kaninong pangalan ang isasagot mo? Alam kong kasama ang pangalan ko, at alam kong kasama ang pangalan ng kakilala ko. Ayan, di ka lang siguro malulungkot sa mga nasabi ko, malamang nagalit ka pa, ako naman kasi, kung anu-ano pinagsasabi. Diretso. Sapul. Hindi masamang umaray. Ayos lang din kung magagalit ka sa ngayon. Pero ang ilapat lahat yan sa pagmumukha mo ang natatanging paraan na naiisip ko para naman ang susunod na makikita ko sa’yo at mababasa ko, eh hindi na puro kalungkutan.

Bata ka pa. Sayang ang panahon kung igugugol lang lahat sa kalungkutan, sa pagmumura, sa pag-iisip ng masasamang bagay, sa pagsugat sa sarili, sa pagmamahal na binabalot ng selos at galit, sa pakikipagkaibigan sa bisyo at mabisyong kaibigan, sa pagpapabaya sa pag-aaral, sa pagsayang ng oras sa walang kwenta at walang kabuluhang bagay, sa hindi pagsunod sa magulang o nanay-nanayan at tatay-tatayan, sa hindi pagtupad sa pangako, at sa hindi maniwalang may magagandangbagay sa mundo na para lang din sa’yo.

Pasensha na. Ako naman kasi. Walang ibang hinangad kundi ang kaligayahan mo. Ako naman kasi, walang ibang gusto kundi ang mapaayos ang buhay mo. Hmp. Ako naman kasi…Ako naman lagi.

Responses to “HANGARIN KO LANG AY MATULUNGAN AT MAPASAYA KA.”

1. Itna (July 16th, 2008 11:07 pm)

sino ito?!!! nakaka-intriga!!!

2. rose (September 8th, 2008 1:42 am)

jen?! is this in response to an article i read somewhere? which has a line that goes “kung anong gusto mong maging ako sayo”…… and all those ikaw kasi, ako kasi, ako ulit kasi at ikaw nman kasi?

if so, gosh…. i didnt realize it was u the author was talking about. and i thought the person who left was a big time jerk.

hahahaha.small world

3. eongrey (September 10th, 2008 6:21 am)

what are you talking about, rose? hahaha……………. nah, nagkataon lang siguro lahat..haha..weird!

Posted by jen on May 28th 2008 to JEDI STUFF

I first saw her as an image in a photo….many of them, from mom’s digicam. When I started teaching I saw her again. That time not as an image but a real person. She was my student. Everytime I have instructions for our class, I text her and entrust everything to her: photocopy this and that and then return it to me, inform the rest of the class about this blah blah blah… “yes po” or was it “yes mam” and then she went off…

It’s been like that for a month. I am her teacher and she’s just one of my students. I text her or talk to her if I need to relay something to her class, purely a teacher-student-classroom thing….and then one day, as I was giving my lecture, I stopped in the middle of it because I was kind of distracted with all her rants as she was cramming through their group’s lab report. I told her to stop doing it, that it wasn’t the right time to do it, that they should’ve done it before the deadline, that I gave them a week to do it, anyways. And out of nowhere she blurted out: “ayoko na! napapagod nako. bakit palagi na lang ako. ayoko na talaga!” without even looking at me, as if I was not there in front of her. Where did that came from?! I was really surprised but I just smiled and told her I’ll see her after class….

I wasn’t expecting her to come and talk to me after class. Typically, students would do everything to escape conversations with their teachers, right? Especially if they have done or said something that were not really err…good or nice. But she came to see me.

Ok, let me cut the story short. That conversation helped me understand her. Why she behaved as such in my class. Though she barely knew me, she told me everything that has been bothering her. And I cant believe what I heard. A sixteen-year old girl, going through all that, and yet, she’s here trying to fight against her tough life. If I were in her shoes, I thought, I wouldn’t have endured all of it. But I told her to hang on and I’ll help her find some answers, help her get rid of her fears and troubles…that moment I don’t know if I made sense…but in a way, yeah I think I did…after that conversation, we became friends (It’s good to be friends with my students, after all, it made teaching more effective).

Right now, she’s not my student anymore. She’s my little sister. My version 2.0. My wan-o-wan.

My little sister. She’s like a little sister to me not because I am a decade older or because she calls me ate jen, but because she treats me like her real sister. She shares everything with me, her joys and her many sorrows, her poetry and all. I’d like to think that she listens to what I say, that she tries hard to make good in her studies, and tries harder to hold on to life as I asked her, for her sake and for her family.

My version 2.0. Somehow, this is the scary part. Because she’s like a younger version of me. That’s because she follows my footsteps. That’s why I said its kinda scary. Because, c’mon, I’m not the type of person that one would really look up to (if my college buddies would be able to read this, they would agree with that hehehe). She tends to do the things that I used to do, listens to the same music I enjoy, write as melancholic poems as I did, watches the sunset everyday, experience as many déjà vu’s as I do, and the sad part of it, she “carves”. (when I was younger and very much immature, everytime I am depressed and I was on the verge of losing sanity, I used to make shallow slashes on my wrists, and I call them carvings). Damnit. I shouldn’t have told her that. Not cool. But obviously she thinks so. Ugh! So there, basically she’s my version 2.0. Maybe she thought I am her superhero and she wanted to be like me, and so she did. Haay… she should have just imitated those which are in a way, constructive (if there are any).

My wan-O-wan. I call her wan-O-wan because she loves the number 101. I don’t know why. But wanOwan is her sweet and hopeful persona. Wanowan is the one who says I am going to fight. I am going to live. I am not going to waste my life away. That’s why I love wanOwan the most.

Wanowan or my little version, i think it’s time to fire up to heaven. Leave hell. Cast your magic spell. For every problem that comes your way, remember the line I always tell you: hang on, this too shall pass. Don’t forget that I’m just here every time you need me. i am ma’am, I am ate, I am wanwan. Id be waiting for the time that you’d be shining the brightest, the moment all your wounds will heal, and the time when you’d always be happiest. 😉

3 Responses to “MY VERSION 2.0 (a.k.a. wan-O-wan)”

1. KaThRiNa (May 28th, 2008 7:15 am)

nice…mam jen ipagpatuloy mo lang ang pagiging inspirasyon! =)

2. lili of valLEI (May 30th, 2008 8:43 pm)

wala pa akong adjective na naencounter that would perfectly define what i feel sa nabasa ko. oh well. wan-o-wan is really is so scary. but being a deliquent person doesnt change the fact that she really loves her wanwan very much.

3. rose (September 8th, 2008 2:07 am)

ang sweet, jen…

Dear, World. Love, Jenny.

Jedi thoughts, MD diaries and Random geekiness

Category: wan

HANGARIN KO LANG AY MATULUNGAN AT MAPASAYA KA.

MY VERSION 2.0 (a.k.a. wan-O-wan)