i wish to forever be in sweet stillness.
let me remember:
the staring at the vast skies.
the cute weirdness in your stories—
how you believed in witches in brooms and not in santa.
let me remember the longing —
to make you a love poem like neruda’s
though we both knew im no good.

to the only star that stared back at me tonight, i asked:
what’s with my sweet longings?
but the star just moved in minute angles—
speaking in its own language which is like:

sweet longings, my ass, jen.
what madness brought you here?

(jen.05/05/2007)

each memory i remember brings me closer to where i am. every memory, a ticket to those days i sat beside you in your backyard. sharing thoughts and laughter until the suns’s fading. where i am now is lost. a place half-lighted by an almost broken lamp-post. where i am now is a free space. where i can be drunk and float. then fall down like a dead leaf. where are you now? i cant see you into the moon’s eyes. you have to come back. to sing our silly songs. to search for a new space like a field of green grass. where we could sit and laugh. float and never fall down.

under my blanket there are no dreams.
no starlight. no warm rain.
i tried to remember my friends
i see no one but a brown teddy
who stared and kept staring.
to its eyes i recognize,
a familiar feeling, an old loneliness.
a feeling that waited through months of grief.
“which past did you come from?”
i understood though i cant hear its voice.
i shared my blanket.
under it, the past cannot be found.

nagsimula na ang mga araw
na walang kinikilala kundi ang bahagharing kupas
na walang gagawin kundi ang pagmasdan ito
at hintayin ang panunumbalik ng mga kulay.

pula.
manggagaling sa ala-ala ng iyong mga labi.
pinakamatingkad. pinakamagandang ngiti.

kahel.
buhat sa magandang balita
dulot ng bawat pag-gising.
tulad ng init ng araw na dumadampi sa akin.

dilaw.
araw sa katanghalian, tulad ng kanyang ngiti .
dulot ay saya at pag-asa
ngunit bahagyang nakakabulag.

berde.
maga bagay na may buhay
larawang pamawi sa bawat pagpanaw.
tag-sibol. wakas ng nakaliliyong tag-init.

asul.
langit at kaunting nakakatuwang ulap
salamin ng kanyang paghahanap
pag-hanga sa maliliit na pag-ibig sa himpapawid.

indigo.
isang iglap, kinain ang ulap.
dilim na dulot ng nagmamadaling araw
lungkot ang bumalot. nakamamatay. nakalulunod.

lila.
kamatayan sa dilim at ulan
unti-unting pinapawi.
gabing dulot ng pag-lisan
nais ng waksan ng kulay na dulot ng pinakamatingkad na damdamin.

(tulang pilit tinapos ng isang mahirap intindihing batang langaw…)

subok lang, di talaga ako marunong nito:

*the star’s immense light
hid me from your blinding love
i will cry no more

——————————-

*lead me to a place
where love is always returned,
where hearts don’t shed tears.

——————————-

*disturbing silence
i hear only the echoes:
“i never loved you”.

——————————-
(jen 02/22/2004)