there are days like this when i feel like some things are not there. Light. Power. Time. — when everything that reminds me of a busy life had finally ceased to exist. And i had the chance to just watch the world from my window pane. The rippling action of raindrops on the street water. The slow dance of the umbrellas passing through. The waving repetitions in the paraphernalia of my hometown’s fiesta. The nipa huts and colorful buildings that are all waiting for the wind and rain to stop and calm down.

Today i had a break from a busy life. I had sound sleep. I got to watch the world. I got more time talking with love. These. These are the things that i could still thank for even during hard times. [and of course, on top of everything else, I pray that we could all get pass through the storm safe].

Sinasabi ko na nga ba. kahit anong gawin ko, wala talagang takas. Pwera na lang siguro kung mawala ako sa katinuan o hindi na huminga o bumigay na ang utak ng tuluyan.

Wala ng titigas pa sa rehas o sa konkretong pader. Wala na ring lalakas pa sa batas ng mundo. Wala na ring nakakatakot pa sa habol ng konsensya. Wala na ring nakakasakal pa sa mga hinihingi ng pang-araw-araw na pamumuhay. Kung sino mang umayon sa mga sinabi ko, nagkakamali ka. Dahil may isang bagay na kahit anong gawin ko, ay higit pa sa mga bagay na ito. Ang habang-buhay na bilangguan. Magpakailanmang kulungan —- ang aking sarili.

Mula pagkabata, wala ng titigas pa sa ulo ko. Bakit ba hindi ko matutunan na pwede kong habulin ang anumang pangarap na gusto ko. Na pwede namang magsalita at manindigan para sa mga gusto kong mangyari sa buhay. Pero hindi ko ginawa. Hinayaan kong ibang tao ang bumuo ng landas na tatahakin ko. Na halos one-way, no U-turn at pundido ang pulang ilaw sa traffic lights.

Wala na ring lalakas at nakakatakot pa sa mga emosyon ko. Parang mga bombang sumasabog sa bawat pagkakataong nagtatalo ang kabutihan at kasamaan sa aking pagkatao. Nakaka-alarma. Pabugso-bugso. Na tipong hindi ko alam kung nagiging si incredible hulk ba’ko na nagwawala at nagsisisigaw na parang wala ng bukas o nagiging isang di-malamang makina na dumudura ng mura sa mundo kapag nababanas at napuputa.

Wala na ring nakakasakal pa sa mga paulit-ulit na pangyayari ng mga bagay-bagay na dapat sana’y natutunan ko na sa unang beses pa lang na maranasan. Nakaka-umay. Nakakagago.

Wala na nga akong kawala sa aking sarili. Sa aking mga saloobin. Sa aking diwa. Sa aking buong pagkatao. Parang isang bilanggong napagbintangan, ikinulong at sinintensyahan habang-buhay. Oo nga. oo na.

Kailangan ko na sigurong tanggapin na panghabang-buhay na akong makikipagbuno, makikipag-away, makikipaglaban, sasang-ayon na lang sa mala-diktador na sarili o madalas pa ring kokontra. Ngunit kahit anong gawin ko, hindi ko makakamit ang aking kalayaan sa tulong ng: pagbibilang ng mga taon [sa pamamagitan ng pagtanda at matutong mag-isip ng maayos at maging maalam sa buhay], o sa perang pampyansa sa mga araw na nakokonsensya ako sa mga bagay na tulad ng panlalait, pagmamarunong, pagmamayabang, at pagmumura sa mundo.

Maaaring may susi palabas, ngunit sa pagkakataong ito, ako ay pinakamahina. Saktong halimbawa ng pagdagdag sa sarili ng mas marami pang kadena at kandado. Sutil. Pahirap sa sarili.

Eto ako. Eto na nga siguro ako. Preso, hindi ng mundo kundi ng sarili.

Hay. Sinasabi ko nga ba.

I know this thing starts out as a square sheet — a blend composite that consists of part PVC material and part polyester. Sounds really keen, huh? But I’d like to wham it now. I mean both of them. Blast them PVC cards!

 
I could have just gotten and hated one. But I didn’t. I got two. Two professional licenses, which means, it is hate, doubled. Ironic how a lot of the people around me now are dying to have one, and yet I’m saying these things. Fine, I understand the part of wanting to have a license. But trust me, it really is a fuss. Why do I hate having my licenses, you ask? Well, it’s because (1) I had to go to school for 18 long years just to be ‘qualified’ to have them; (2) I had to go through two effing board exams to have it, for me to have a “permission to practice” chemistry and college teaching; (3) it is a restricting entry — meaning I have to stay competent, and everything I do has to be regulated and morally correct, like it’s the techie counterpart of the WWJD (what would Jesus do) wrist band I once have.

 
My licenses used to be my boosts. They inspire me in many ways that even a Jedi couldn’t imagine. But now I feel like they’re weights chained on my feet as I drown in the vasty deep. Because everyday, as I do my job, the world is expecting too much from me. And most of the time, I chase after one motivation to another. They are like my guards. Or lifetime evaluation sheets. Or inanimate bosses. Suffocating.

 
Well yeah. Professional license. I got two. Lucky, you say? Maybe. Maybe not. Or maybe I just got the wrong ones. Sigh.

Dearest Jenski,

Happy, happy Birthday! 🙂

For some reason, the past seem like a blur already. After I came home, my immediate past has been filled with concerns related to my job, my students… While I give myself the chance to look back at the past and smile at the memories of friendships, I don’t dwell on it anymore. I just want to look forward. Teaching has given me a new purpose…

Jenski, when I found out you were teaching, I was immensely proud of you! When you tell me your little stories and share with me your thoughts about your students and teaching, I can imagine you being happy and content.

While the mysterious, almost “dark” Jen was also special, I think I like this Jenski better. I can feel the happiness in your words, in your thoughts… Before, in your low moments, your pain, your sadness was obvious that sometimes it scared me. However, there was that part of you that is shining brightly…

You’ve read “Kitchen” by Banana Yoshimoto? You’re like one of those characters there… you managed to lift yourself up despite the darkness you’ve been through because of something inside of you … maybe it was the beauty of your poems which gave me the assurance that you will be OK. Don’t ask me why. I cannot explain it myself and that was the reason why I encouraged you to keep on writing… I look forward to that 1^st published book of Jen’s poems.

In the meantime, enjoy what you’re doing. I always tell my friends that people seek for that fountain of youth but I have found it in teaching…I always feel there’s so much love around me, within me, because I teach. While I may not look young anymore (too many white hairs!), inside of me, I feel young. And my dear beautiful Jenski, who dances like a pro (alternative 3^rd career!), will always stay young at heart… I cannot imagine you growing old! 🙂

I just wish you ALL THE BEST!!! Continue to be happy and continue to keep in touch with your Ate Rica, OK? I miss you and I’ll be praying extra for you during your special day. Take care! Love you! Mwah!

Hugs,

Ate Rics