Dear, World. Love, Jenny.

Jedi thoughts, MD diaries and Random geekiness

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Feeling neutral — April 27, 2016

Feeling neutral

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Hi.

i woke up feeling neutral today. Not sad, not also so glad because i had to go to work now since I didn’t go yesterday because i always have Monday blues. It’s true, you can check my time sheet last week and i wasn’t in last monday, too.

Anyway, yesterday i sent out a letter telling you guys that i am sad, as if there is no man sad before & after me. In my younger years, when i get sad, i write poems to let it out but as an adult, an immature distracted adult, i cant do poems anymore so i resorted to other stuff like binge watching tv series (my faves are/were game of thrones, breaking bad, newsroom, orange is the new black, fringe, jane the virgin and suits).

For some reason, i craved for ice cream yesterday. They say eating ice cream makes you feel better. But i wasn’t really wanting ice cream to make me feel happy or whatnot, i just want to eat ice cream because i can’t remember the last time i ate one. I like ice cream (who doesn’t?) but i am lactose intolerant so i dont really get the chance to enjoy it (and those milk tea’s that my friends have almost everyday). So yesterday, i got up from my monday-blues-stricken bed and asked Jake the Dog to come with me and look for Nestlè kitkat ice cream (well i love kitkat, so…yeah). But when we got in the supermarket they only have those temptations chever ice creams so we got one.

Jake the Dog & I went home, grabbed dinner and started eating chips and the whole pint after. It got cocoa seeds in it that at first i thought were coffee beans. I havent eaten a lot like last night. I think that was my own version of food comma — i was literally just sitting at the corner, almost-zoning out, feeling very very sleepy but not really falling asleep. Have you ever felt anything like that after eating a lot? Haha. Geeez.

Anyway, i went to bed relatively early last night because i did feel so sleepy. At least it’s a different experience. I dont have to cry myself to sleep or exhaust myself just to doze off. Then i woke up today, not sad, not feeling blue, neutral–but better than not wanting to go to work.

Random 9373 — April 11, 2016

Random 9373

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Today the world rubbed some things in my face again when I watched the movie “The Vow”. It’s basically about two people falling in love with each other from day 1, being in love every day until they both had a car accident and Paige (the main actress) selectively lost her memory of Leo (the main man) and everything about her life from that point. And the conflict started there. Having said all these, you’d probably say there’s nothing special with the plot but let me tell you what I actually liked about the movie & what it taught me:

  1. I like that part where they instantly fall in love with each other, grew more and more in-love as they go on with their relationship, they have fun in their own way, where everything seems spontaneous, they talk about and tell each other everything, and they’re both just happy with each other that they ended up marrying each other and telling each other vows that basically say that they’d find their way back to each other, no matter what.
  2. When Paige lost her memory, she couldn’t remember who Leo was. She couldn’t remember her life with him—how she was with him, the choices she made, the changes in her habits and personality when she was with him. But Leo was so patient with her, he tried everything he could to help Paige remember her everyday routine, her chosen career, the things she loved, and her feelings for him. I’ve never seen someone tried so hard to hold on and believe that everything is going back to how they were, even if he is also hurting—because what could’ve been more painful than the love of your life not remembering what you both have? The movie also showed Paige trying to regain her memory but she felt so lost that she didn’t try as hard and just chose the easy way out. But Leo still held on and tried hard until one day, he doesn’t have anything to give anymore. That’s something I like about him–pain and frustration or disappointment didn’t stop him from loving her. He was patient, he was hopeful, he believed in what they have. I just wished Paige did the same thing. I kind of felt for Leo. Because sometimes, especially during hard times, we all want to see our partners fight for us, too. We all want our partners to remember who we are in their lives and use that as their driving force to make the relationship work. We all don’t want to hear “i don’t know what will become of us”, “no, we’re not ever going to have this or that”, “no, i don’t think we are ever getting married”, “no, I don’t think I can do this anymore”. All those would probably or eventually weaken anyone, or any relationship.
  3. Anyway, towards the end of the movie, they still figured out a way to get back to each other even if it took quite some time. I also like the fact that Paige finally wanted to help herself and move on with her life and try to rebuild herself instead of wasting time trying to remember those lost memories. Leo, on the other hand, didn’t try to see or love other people, he went on with his life, kept loving Paige even if they’re not together anymore. I guess I am Leo in many ways. I want to be him. I want to be that kind of person who won’t ever give up on the love of my life, the kind who would still love even if everything hurts, the kind that would let go only if that’s the only way that would make my partner happy.

So yeah, I cried over a movie again.   Sometimes I’d like to think that being a mushy person is both a strength and a weakness. Haha. Hmm. Watch the movie. It’s good. Plus it got Channing Tatum & Rachel McAdams. Go grab a popcorn and yeah, maybe a few tissue. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

yep — April 19, 2013
Chart 1: My 2nd half of 2012 — December 26, 2012

Chart 1: My 2nd half of 2012

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June 2012, i went back to Manila to work as an information analyst or patent excerptionist or idontknowwhatiam,perhaps,achemist?

the chart sums up my second half of the year. that’s basically it.

40%. i work, catch up with work even during week-end’s or holidays, and half of the time, i guess, i didn’t really progress (as in the verb) and just mess up, instead (well this deserves another chart, right?). will write about it in my next chart.

15%.  i eat a lot now. well, relatively, i do. i have an appetite for life now, so like a domino effect, i have a desire for food, too. people around me also love to eat, so they’re a strong force that pulls me inside food chains and even the food carts around. i guess i gained weight, just a bit, but still, i’m not as skinny as before.

11% times 2. i drink coffee as much as i listen to music or fm radio. that’s like a routine. 2 to 3 cups of coffee a day ~ one for breakfast, 2 at work, and for some nights i still have another cup. most of the time it’s just a 3-in-1 coffee, sometimes starbuck’s mocca frappe gets me through the day ~ but, this one i think should stop next year, this aint good for my budget. hrrr. every morning of a weekday, i listen to RX 93.1’s the morning rush — i (we) get to laugh and brighten up my (our) day with this show, with their witty and hilarious and sarcastic conversation, plus good music, plus the top ten entries, plus their ‘epic rap off’ whenever they have a guest.

9% times 2. sleeping and etcetera. i don’t get to sleep and do etcetera that much. i still have a sleeping disorder. maybe it’s the coffee, or maybe it’s something else ( i really can’t doze off like a normal person could). well, the etcera part, is the part where i get to do other things apart from work. i’ve always been a homebody so don’t be surprised that i don’t have night-out stories or whatsoever. the movies i got to watch in a moviehouse since june? just the “perks of being a wallflower ” and “cloud atlas”. i did social drinking, within half a year, it’s just 3 to 5 times, i guess. so etcetera means staying home and trying to cook, cleaning up the house, watching big bang theory, listening to music, eating, or basically, the other percentages of this chart.

5%. this is the smallest part of the pie, and i guess the only inaccurate statistic (yes stastistic, not statistics. haha, my friend Jules would prolly be proud of me because im right about not putting an s at the end of the word). haha. i am a worry-wart. i worry too much, but i also try hard to fight it off, so it goes in cycles. if something goes in cycle, would that technically take up a lot of points? i guess so. why i worry? wait for another chart.

Of Humaneness — September 30, 2012

Of Humaneness

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I am aware of another thing in my life, and it has something to do with humanism or social interaction or fundamental part of love for the others. it happens every time i see kids and old people who are begging for food, or out in the streets, doing whatever it is to make a living — THESE, the moment i got back in Manila, became my social pain. geez. breaks my heart almost everyday. the sight of them becomes even more unbearable when all i can do is give them a share of what’s left of my allowance for the day.
 
I get random thoughts when i see them. i wonder how they survive or get pass through hunger and the cold, or how they come safely through the night. i want to ask them which is harder, to survive or to endure, to put up with all the unpleasant things or to continue to live?
 
Recently, my heart got broken again, not just because of these people i constantly see in the streets or train stations or any public domain i can think of. i had another pain from those who lost their jobs. 
 
I’ve been working in or for a certain company somewhere in Makati for four months now, and i get to know some people there, especially the aides and staff, the guards, and the like. you know, the people who’d greet you the moment you step inside the sliding door, or assist you when you get into the elevator, wipe the table when you leave a mess in the pantry, gather up your trash and say goodbye to you and ask you to take care on your way home. yes, those people, some of them lost their jobs and i feel for them. 
 
People don’t normally get attached to people in their workplace in four months. I don’t, but i guess I was really born with a mushy heart so I tend to get affected with stuff like this. I hate it when I saw Ate J crying inside the washroom, and much more when she actually said “buh-bye”. I don’t know what to say when I asked Kuya C how long he’s been working there and answered me with “fourteen years and nine months”. You should see their faces. You’d know from the look in their eyes, from every shed tear that many things are lost. Where have all the credit for their service gone?
 
Somebody said that if i go on feeling so much for the world like this, then i’d probably go nuts. i don’t want that to happen but i hope i can do something for them. i hope someday i wont just be writing about this, that this will grow into a brave act of saving someone else from physical pain or distress or anything that hurts. maybe we should all embrace the fundamental part of human love i am talking about. i know we cant eradicate all the painful things but maybe this could help ease some of them. let us all be compassionate. let us be considerate and sensitive of other human being’s needs. let’s all be nuts, the hearty way.