Dear, World. Love, Jenny.

Jedi thoughts, MD diaries and Random geekiness

Category: teaching

i’m still here — October 9, 2009

i’m still here

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right now, i don’t know why i’m still doing this teacher thing…i guess my idealistic views of being in this profession is starting to fade out… student learning is still on top of my list, but what the hey, sometimes, though you work really hard for that goal, some things would really get into your nerves and push you to your limits until you just give up and leave without even a bit of hesitation.
im still here. because i can still tell myself to get up and go to class. but i don’t know until when i could do this…things like, preparing my lessons thirty minutes before the time…or not being able to check papers since day one….i feel lousy. but i’m not giving up….because i know even if i work or teach in THIS PLACE, i am still not rotten……….
a teacher’s apology — July 22, 2009

a teacher’s apology

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to my student,

i didn’t mean what i said. you didnt ask stupid questions. (maybe) i’m the one who was stupid. stupid enough to tell you to stop asking. because maybe that’s how you learn — you ask, and i answer back by explaining the lesson. not by yelling at you.
im sorry. i was just really tired that day — they say that not-so-good teachers use this for an excuse. well, (maybe) it may be true for most cases. but for pete’s sake, i was really really really tired that day…

hmmm… what the hey! right now, i want to believe that apologizing here tells me that i can still be a good person, if not a very good teacher all the time. sigh…………..and more sighs.

P.S.
i even asked you to see me after class or during your free time so i could tutor you if you like. you should’ve just told me you’d be fine and can handle it by yourself. why do you have to keep silent and just stare at me and waited for those tears to fall? how cruel could that be. hrmph. damn it. i think mushy people shouldn’t teach. those kids would just break your heart every time. hmp. hrrrmph…

WHAT IS IT NOW? — April 21, 2009

WHAT IS IT NOW?

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i didn’t choose to be a teacher. somebody just got me in — my first teacher did.

so i got in. and “to be a teacher” is all i know. i got in to that school just to be a teacher — that is the only objective. but what is it now?

yeah, i’ve been teaching for more than a year now. i guess i am a teacher because they call me ma’am. just because of that. that’s what i feel now. i was happy when i was just starting to teach… but a lot of things happened in just a span of three semesters.

At first i thought i was doing fine. i deliver my lessons well, and i think i was an effective and efficient teacher then. now, i don’t feel the same. i think i got a little lousy. i don’t know, maybe i just have a lot of work. I’ve been very busy, or if its possible, i’d say beyond busy. And doing lots of work all at the same time means you’re just getting all the piles of job done. It’s way different from a well-done job, like you give one hundred percent of your heart and brain cells to every single one of them. i kind of miss the feeling where i get home tired but happy — because i knew i did something great in school for that day — and then i’ll have a good night sleep. Lately, it has been stressful…ive been doing my job but i end up worrying what i hit and what i miss that day. School work became a heavy load suddenly. And i end up worrying a lot in bed, with a body so exhausted, a mind that is like a bomb that’s going to explode any minute, and a heart that’s longing for another that would understand and save me from all these.

but then there is still what you call a semestral break. a vacation. a time to realize that you cannot be superhuman for a while and breath some summer air. yes. a time to realize a lot of things. i am realizing a lot now (but i am going to omit here what i realized for my personal life, this is not the place for that). Career-wise i realized that i cannot be too hard on myself. i am just starting. and i still have a chance to get back to where i have started. i am going to press CTRL+ALT+DEL twice now. i am going to have a RESTART.

i’ll begin in the end (semester ended and i want to begin another life as an instructor) and i ‘ll end where i begin (i end up with these realizations, and so im going back to where i begin, to that objective — to be a teacher. an efficient and effective teacher).

i just have to think straight. i just have to feel that passion to teach again. i just have to focus. i just have to learn to separate my personal life with my career. i just have to be whatever is the antonym of distracted. i just have to be me, the self that i love, the self that finally learned to dream big and be part of some people’s lives, the self that became relevant to this planet, the self that is happy without even trying hard.

i am going to breath for more than a month and then i’m going back to the battlefield. with my old students. and the new ones who will be spending every single weekday of june until october. with me. i want to have a new objective this time. if ever somebody would ask my students “who’s your math or chemistry teacher? how is she?”, i’ would like them to give an answer like “oh, mam jen? she’s cool, she’s great, and i want to be in her class again”, and they don’t have to lie about it. that’s what i want right now………………….yeah. i think that’s exactly what i want now.

JUST A CRAZY THOUGHT — July 28, 2008

JUST A CRAZY THOUGHT

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I have a thought today. Hmm. Ok, maybe the “teacher” genes are really expressed in me… Uh, I’m not saying that I am a very good teacher, I wouldn’t know. I don’t trust those instruments for qualitative evaluation of teaching effectiveness. Though it says” very satisfactory”, I really don’t know. It was just a piece of paper to me. Anyway, what really matters is when they (my students) learn something from me…….

these past months, I realized that I am not just ma’am jen, I am also master jedi, I am superman, or peter pan, or genie, or blue fairy or jean grey. I don’t know. This is my crazy thought….that by profession I am a math/chemistry teacher and at the same time I am somebody else with super powers (like Clark Kent and superman, that kind of thing)…crazy thought, yes, but it makes me feel good…that somehow, I inspire people in my own little way, that I am a source of strength for some kids, that I help heal some of their wounds, that I drive their pains away just by being there…ok, believe it or not, world, I can walk on air, I can do stuff like these. Fine, it was JUST ME …JUST ME….Sometimes, superheroes don’t wear costumes…sometimes they just take a form like ME.

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I’m going to write some of my superhero moments next time… As if, jen! (hahahahahahahahaha!)

OF TEACHING AND CURSING — July 19, 2008

OF TEACHING AND CURSING

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Sometimes I want to curse them to their faces, but I think teachers are not allowed to do that. (Are they?) Haha, why am I not sure about it? Aren’t teachers human,too? Don’t they get mad like everybody else and have a license to curse all they want?

Last sem, I had the best students (uh, so far, they were the best, hehe)…and last sem was my first time… first time to teach, first time to be called “ma’am” (it used to scare me to death every time they call me that, wahaha)…but after the first quarter I got a hang of it, i was able to win over my fear of public speaking, I was able to see the real picture, I was able to learn their “culture” (which is far too different with mine, naman kasi…wala na yatang kasing babaliw pa sa kulturang peyups)…anyways, my profs in college curse in front of us whenever we get stupid, or when we give them dim-witted answers, or we do foolish stuff like copying the figure from our notes, hoping that we’ll get partial points for it but instead this is what we got:

my super genius quantum chemistry prof: “mga taga UP pa man din kayo, ang tatanga niyo, and f*ck, you even copied the figure I gave you, do you even understand what it is? Do you want me to take off my shoe and spank you? Do you want me to send all of you back to kindergarten? Get out of this room, you, s*ckers! “

Uh huh, they curse you and say nasty things to you when they know you can’t curse back (uh, well you can, actually, haha, sa isip mo, especially when they ask you to solve a multiple integration problem, nakanampuch!!!)…well anyways, going back to teaching and cursing,uh,I’m not proud of it but I did curse a lot in class last sem… it was just like an expression, especially when I’m talking nonsense already (tae na, ano na pinagsasabi ko?!) and then my students will just laugh and say, haha, madam an ngimot mo! (translation: yang bibig mo, ma’am)…haaay, embarrassing, haha! I don’t know, sometimes I just forget that I am not living in the same crazy world that I used to…I also forget that I am not just jen. I am ma’am jen. Ma’am. Bigat. Nyay. Katakot. Nakatingin kasi lahat. Naririnig ka din ng lahat.

So there, I tried my best to stop cursing. (Well at least not in front of my class). But second sem came…this sem is totally different…some of my students are not like the first batch of kids that I had… maybe they are also the bunch of kids who aren’t pleased to have me as their instructor…or maybe they are just a bunch of jerks and b*tches that would really get into your nerves and let you curse again like hell…but then again, I am ma’am. i shouldn’t be taking things personally…I can’t please everybody, yes, and for pete’s sake, i don’t go to school just to please them…I go to class to feed their bratty minds with variables and terms and electron configurations and forces and laws of motion. All those shit. If they don’t want to see me, then maybe they should start filling up their dropping forms… whether they like to learn or not, I will teach. if they bitch around, I will kick their dumb asses and curse.

Naah, things aren’t like that…haha… (uh, maybe, for a while pala nangyari at naramdaman ko yan, maybe nagwawala lang hormones ko that time. haha immature jen.) hmp,but usually, I spoil my students…they listen, they learn, we laugh, we have fun, they curse and I laugh. Hay. I am ma’am. I don’t curse in class now. no more cursing for jen….. Uhh….F**k, why not…?

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