Dear, World. Love, Jenny.

Jedi thoughts, MD diaries and Random geekiness

Category: random thoughts

Am I? — November 29, 2011

Am I?

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today i took a bus for my ride home. and for the first time, my thoughts didn’t fly into random places or didn’t feast on things that are real but doesn’t exist in my life at present or even in my past. no day dreaming this time. no lip-syncing with the songs on my phone’s playlist (imagining myself performing in a band, in front of many people i really don’t know). i do that. i make a mental picture of things i want to do, and then i feel proud about myself. yes, i actually do ‘things’ like that. but not today.

today i held on tight to reality. for once i am not the attention deficit person who looks at the road and see it as a 2-dimensional map under a magnifying lens. today i watched the road and noticed its inconsistent make-up of alternating cement and asphalt. i saw the rice fields that turned into a piece of vast grassy lands which then served as a temporary stop for migratory birds. i saw the power lines,too. On ‘normal’ days i see them dancing, but today with them, i saw physics. i saw technology.

today i knew i was lousy in class. because today was just another trying to get by episode. i know life can be bitchy and harsh and sarcastic and all, but at the end of the day? the world would forgive it.

how about me?

[LOUSY].

am i?

oh well. then crucify me.

Nakakalula — November 21, 2011

Nakakalula

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NAKAKALULA — ang mga pagkakataong katulad nito. tahimik. nakaupo lang sa isang sulok at walang ginagawa. nakapanghihina ng kamalayan. nakapanlalata dahil kanina pa hinahampas ng mga bagay na sabay-sabay na dumarating at pinoproseso ng isipan. mga bagay na tumatraydor sa sarili. lumalamon ng mga naipong lakas. umaanay sa mga pangarap na nais ipaglaban at abutin, at pagtagumpayan.

 Hindi ko alam kung pa’no ba maipapaliwanag ang pakiramdam ng isang tao na halos bawat ikot at hakbang ay natatagpuan niya ang sarili sa gitna ng sanga-sangang daan. hindi ko rin alam kung paanong nagagawa ng ibang taong tumigil sa paghabol ng kanilang pangarap at manatili sa landas na nahanap mula sa kawalan, dahil lamang ito ay sapat na upang tumustos sa pang-araw-araw na pamumuhay.

 Darating ang isang tao sa punto ng kanyang buhay na napakarami niyang gustong gawin. pero hindi lahat ng tao ay nabibigyan ng pagkakataong makuha lahat ng ito. hindi ko na alam bakit ganun. hindi ko alam kung bakit sinasabi ng iba na “hindi ‘yun para sa’yo”. anong dahilan? at sa anong batayan? maaaring sinasabi ito ng iba para lamang tumigil na ang isang tao kakatanong ng “bakit” dahil wala naman siyang maisip na dahilan na kaya niyang tanggapin ng maluwag sa loob, at hahayaan niya ang lahat na mawala ng parang bula. darating rin ang isang tao sa punto na kapag tanungin mo kung ano na nga ba ang gusto niyang gawin ay sasagutin ka ng “hindi ko na alam”. dahil may mga pagkakataong wala siyang ibang gusto kundi maging masaya sa ginagawa niya, pero hindi na niya alam kung saang pangarap niya ba ‘yun hahabulin o huhugutin.

 Ikaw. asan ka ba ngayon? masaya ka ba sa ginagawa mo? may kahulugan ba sa mundo at sa sarili mo ang kinaluluklukan mo ngayon?

 Ewan ko. kanya-kanyang biyahe lang siguro talaga ‘yan. kanya-kanyang destinasyon. kanya-kanyang stop. hanep na planeta ‘to noh? sama-sama. pero kanya-kanya.

Which way to go — October 9, 2011

Which way to go

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Sometimes you just let the world do its thing. You let it steal away some things from you, exhaust you and wear you out. It gives you identity yet it constantly changes you in various overlapping personalities. It makes you trapped in a maze where you eternally seek for the sole exit. And sometimes, just because you are scared and tired, you’d find the best corner you would call your own in one of the many dead-ends you’ve thrown yourself into.
Best things happen,too. And you’re just glad the world doesn’t run out of those stuff. And so you hang on to every bead of it. Tight. Real tight. That sometimes, it isn’t right anymore. Whatever is in excess may still be healthy as long as it doesn’t go over the threshold. if it reaches the optimal point, then you just have to either hang in there or better yet loosen up that grip a bit, because if you go way beyond that point, it leads you nowhere but to yourself who is all smothery and needy and crazy. And who, in his normal line of thinking, would want that? No one, of course.
There’s a wide range in understanding things. But there are also various emotions you could feel as you thrive and survive.

And so:

LETTER TO SELF — September 10, 2011

LETTER TO SELF

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Dear Jenny,

 I woke up in the miscellany of saturated encounters, and my mind says, “not again, not again”. Not again to that drowsy character who sees clouds being shred into scattered thoughts which finally outlined a message that says: “you can’t be who you want to be”— a note that meant everything and nothing at the same time. Even without warning, the idea kept me unruffled, because I am too jaded to retort. So I won’t respond, scream or even open my eyes or say a word. Yes, not now, not again. I am not going to panic or run after answers or a way out, but instead, I would embrace anything that is inert and stays that way until nothing and everything would recognize each other. It’s only then that the world would identify a look in my face. Only then that I would use the phrases “do everything” and “whatever it takes” again. Let me just stay still for a while until I could thaw my spirit and at least tell myself that it’s all right to hang on and believe that maybe help is on the way to undo all of these repetitions of inundated events.

Tell me if I am wrong. Tell me straight into my face. Otherwise, tell the whole world.

 Not really glad to be writing you (again),

Jenny ver 2.0

M&M’s TW #3 — August 28, 2011

M&M’s TW #3

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This wont be the wildest of characters, not even close to wild, but i guess i want to be THE BOSS (which right now would probably happen in my wildest dreams). haha. :p 

 

For one day i still want to be just me only that i would be the one who makes decisions. i would be the controlling element. i would be in-charge. 

 

On that day i would still go to work, on a scratch pants and comfy tee that has a print that says “you can’t fire me” (and everybody probably knows the shirt is right); and i’d give “jen-who-wasn’t-the-boss-before-and-after-this-day” the biggest promotion of her life, which is becoming the real boss. i’d sign the paper, make sure the promotion becomes effective after a day.

 

After making sure “jen” would be fine after that day, i’d do the same for those who deserve it, and replace those who were just lousy bad asses in the office.

 

So that next day, when i would switch back to myself, i’d get the promotion and be (yeah) THE BOSS — and from then on i can do good, i can challenge myself, will never get fired, earn righteously, do the things i really like while i do work, and i could nicely ask my employees to help me get the work done so i could go home early and just cuddle up with you probably know who. 😀