Dear, World. Love, Jenny.

Jedi thoughts, MD diaries and Random geekiness

Good and/or Bad Thing — January 27, 2021

Good and/or Bad Thing

Right now, it’s just me, myself and I. 😊 I take care of myself more lately – – – I watch what I eat, I workout and I try to have enough sleep. I am more focused and diligent in my review. I also laugh at little things, and appreciate the world around me. Sounds like I’m doing good, right?

Well, yes, that part I’m proud of myself.

I’m not so sure of the other half of the story, though. I can’t really tell if it’s a good or bad thing. Right now, I am not talking to, dating, or getting close to anyone. Not because I haven’t moved on from my past relationship. But because for the first time, I’ve put up a wall. For the first time I got scared. Of letting other people come into my life. I got scared of all the love/relationship thing. It just feel like I’ve just mended my own broken heart so I’m definitely guarding it from anything that could break it again.

I used to be afraid of being alone. Of not having someone by my side . But now I am more afraid, so much more afraid of loving someone and taking risks again. I miss my sentimental, mushy, hopeless romantic self but it’s okay, I might just forget that side of me because that person just end up being sad and scared and shitty.

So there. I may have so much love to give but i don’t know, I’d probably just keep it with me. Who deserves it, anyway?

SHING SHING SAYS THE SABER. — January 29, 2012

SHING SHING SAYS THE SABER.

It’s been a while that I guess I am deluding myself, or should I say I am hurting myself again with thoughts that border on pain and breathing space. Maybe this is the world that I create many times over, different and new every time, except that now, I don’t put much options or real possibilities in the picture. In this world that I design and re-invent, there are always passageways which eventually lead to a dark room.
Yeah, yeah, this is just me. I am funny. Miserable me is funnier. Realizing this makes me feel that there is something about the person that I was, that I miss now. And for the lack of words to describe what it is I am longing, I just want this moment to find me well — that is all I could really aim for now, to be well.

Not just for myself.

But most importantly for that Mushy Jedi who comes inside the dark room I repetitively construct, and makes everything turn from well, to safe, and then into a world where there is beauty, sincerity and passion again.

I need just a little bit of time.And then, no more of that scared kid who pulls the wool over somebody’s eyes. I need not to be afraid. I know, I believe so.

Now i get up and write on the dark room’s wall: monsters appear only when one is without a love-powered lightsaber.

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Oh. Is It What Day Again? :D — December 25, 2011

Oh. Is It What Day Again? :D

I wish I am like most people who are very good at forgetting non-essentials. I wish my mind doesn’t wander while I was riding a bus or any vehicle I’m in, while I was brushing my teeth or during my toilet moments. I am the type of person who sees even the supplementary of the whole thing. I see a whole floating circus and kingdom in cloud formations. When I listen to songs, it’s either I could identify which sound comes from which instrument or my mind would simultaneously drift away and produce random ideas like a shuffling cloud of thoughts.
Just like right now, I want to digress.
I feel like everything co-exists around me but I don’t have a deep connection with any of them. My sub-conscious may even find it weird to acknowledge the existence of things but claim them to be so close to something void.
I am letting myself be very honest now. I am fed up with this break’s masks of happy faces of celebration. As of today, or maybe just today, December doesn’t feel like December to me. It’s a month of edges, of subsisting ends. You get a holiday bonus to just spend it like an obligatory act of buying and giving. You get a couple of weeks as a vacation but you never have a break and end up exhausted, instead. It’s a month of expectations and longings. A time to beat yourself with unwelcomed thoughts like I wish I am not me or i wish something more that is as rude as being never brought up in this kind of family and the like. i can be a grinch. sometimes. still. well for just one day. :p
But then again, this is just me today. This is just me being relatively not okay like 1 out of my 1000 happy moments. For once, I am taking this 1 time so I would remind myself that life is really like that.

first, i digress, now, i deviate. i realized that Christmas should be (MORE) for the kids. I’ve never seen them happy with an apple, or a crispy 20 bucks. so, uh, let’s be just kids forever. what do you think? yes? yes.

(meet the “beke” boys. as in may beke).
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***oh cuteness. im happy right now, as im uploading this. call me bipolar. but haha, love saves the blues on christmas day. bleh. 
(–,) —
Work. — December 14, 2011

Work.

Everything, even the things we can’t touch or crush or expand are all in a rush. That even stress is wearing out itself, and things like slowing down or sleeping are scarce and are on the verge of getting extinct.

Lately, i wake up past my call time. My alarm clock would always give up on me and snooze off by itself and leave me there in my bed.

Maybe the world is like this when you’re always busy at work — everything is half-baked, or in a fifty-fifty basis, or in an alternating half-empty, half-full perspectives. half alive. half-dead.

With the exception of love, everything is like this lately. i can’t seem to optimize my thoughts. My brain can process things but I’m not sure how I was able to comprehend the whole thing. This goes in cycle, but what i feel is constant — I am tired. I go to bed exhausted, wake up still feeling tired, go through the day feeling weary, go home feeling heavy, then the entire cycle goes in unending repetitions.

Maybe you can call me a drag queen now — because I literally drag myself everyday to work and try so hard to get by and finish work.

I usually claim that I am a Master Jedi. That I am a superhero called EonGrey. But for some days, I am just Jenny, like Clark Kent to every episode of Superman. And I get weak when work becomes a tangible thing like kryptonite. And for hard times like these, I slow down and whine and even cry my exhausted self to sleep.