i didn’t choose to be a teacher. somebody just got me in — my first teacher did.

so i got in. and “to be a teacher” is all i know. i got in to that school just to be a teacher — that is the only objective. but what is it now?

yeah, i’ve been teaching for more than a year now. i guess i am a teacher because they call me ma’am. just because of that. that’s what i feel now. i was happy when i was just starting to teach… but a lot of things happened in just a span of three semesters.

At first i thought i was doing fine. i deliver my lessons well, and i think i was an effective and efficient teacher then. now, i don’t feel the same. i think i got a little lousy. i don’t know, maybe i just have a lot of work. I’ve been very busy, or if its possible, i’d say beyond busy. And doing lots of work all at the same time means you’re just getting all the piles of job done. It’s way different from a well-done job, like you give one hundred percent of your heart and brain cells to every single one of them. i kind of miss the feeling where i get home tired but happy — because i knew i did something great in school for that day — and then i’ll have a good night sleep. Lately, it has been stressful…ive been doing my job but i end up worrying what i hit and what i miss that day. School work became a heavy load suddenly. And i end up worrying a lot in bed, with a body so exhausted, a mind that is like a bomb that’s going to explode any minute, and a heart that’s longing for another that would understand and save me from all these.

but then there is still what you call a semestral break. a vacation. a time to realize that you cannot be superhuman for a while and breath some summer air. yes. a time to realize a lot of things. i am realizing a lot now (but i am going to omit here what i realized for my personal life, this is not the place for that). Career-wise i realized that i cannot be too hard on myself. i am just starting. and i still have a chance to get back to where i have started. i am going to press CTRL+ALT+DEL twice now. i am going to have a RESTART.

i’ll begin in the end (semester ended and i want to begin another life as an instructor) and i ‘ll end where i begin (i end up with these realizations, and so im going back to where i begin, to that objective — to be a teacher. an efficient and effective teacher).

i just have to think straight. i just have to feel that passion to teach again. i just have to focus. i just have to learn to separate my personal life with my career. i just have to be whatever is the antonym of distracted. i just have to be me, the self that i love, the self that finally learned to dream big and be part of some people’s lives, the self that became relevant to this planet, the self that is happy without even trying hard.

i am going to breath for more than a month and then i’m going back to the battlefield. with my old students. and the new ones who will be spending every single weekday of june until october. with me. i want to have a new objective this time. if ever somebody would ask my students “who’s your math or chemistry teacher? how is she?”, i’ would like them to give an answer like “oh, mam jen? she’s cool, she’s great, and i want to be in her class again”, and they don’t have to lie about it. that’s what i want right now………………….yeah. i think that’s exactly what i want now.