Dear, World. Love, Jenny.

Jedi thoughts, MD diaries and Random geekiness

Category: me

THOUGHTS ON (FALSE) RAINY DAYS — May 2, 2009

THOUGHTS ON (FALSE) RAINY DAYS

/Jen_Eongrey/Leave a comment
You thought you forgot all about them, but surprise, surprise……

you know how hard it is to selectively forget some things in your life? well, let me tell you this: it is not hard to do that — if you really want to forget something, i mean, if you really CHOOSE to forget something, YOU WILL.

And then for quite some time, your memory is free of those worth-forgetting stuff. And it will make you feel good, make you think you are a better person, as if bitterness and ugliness and flaws-like-that are peeled of from your self.

But there will be times when the world will ask you to remember them again. And suddenly, you’ll feel a big thump in your chest, and a wooden chest would appear in front of you. The world will ask you (for some very very important reasons) to unlock and open the chest. And you will open it. Justify Full
There will be times when you will really CHOOSE to open it again. Because the world gives you a very good reason to do so. And when you do, those memories you chose to forget will come to you and curse you and repeat words to your ears like “…i knew you would still let us out, pea-brain”

…..and soon after opening the chest, you’ll somehow feel good for doing THAT for the world…..but you’ll end up remembering everything again…so partly, you’ll feel good…but maybe a bigger part would make you feel whatever ugly feeling you had then (which made you want to forget them in the first place)…..i call this feeling “mixed nuts”….can’t really describe that feeling. like it is “UGHness“.

So yeah, you thought you forgot all about them, but surprise…surprise… you’re back to choosing to forget about them again.

———————————————————————-
*I choose to forget some things again and again. I just don’t want to cling to what was of the past… i don’t want to be so clingy anymore. I am at my best “now” — I mean i like myself best, now. I’ve grown up already. Not jenny, miss clingy. So it is best if i live the present, with this memory that is capable of burning memories or selectively forgetting them.

Feb 2008 — January 26, 2009

Feb 2008

/Jen_Eongrey/Leave a comment

The night tells me to mull over the things I left in the past. I thought I forgot about those things, but I was wrong. and I hate it. I can’t shove the memories away. They are like nightmares that haunt every sleeping hour that I have. But right now, things are different. It’s like I am haunted by the same things that troubled me for almost a decade, and after having escaped for a year, I am back to my stomping ground. But like I said, this time, things are different ~the same feeling of pain, melancholy and void all at once, only now I cannot quite vividly remember the things that happened. Everything is fuzzy. I hate it. I hate being smothered by the things I cannot lay a hand on or at least fight back. I feel I am much stronger now, but still I cannot fight back. I really hate it…and I hate it much more for realizing that no matter how hard I try to quarrel over my happiness, my past won’t just let me.

JUST A CRAZY THOUGHT — July 28, 2008

JUST A CRAZY THOUGHT

/Jen_Eongrey/Leave a comment

I have a thought today. Hmm. Ok, maybe the “teacher” genes are really expressed in me… Uh, I’m not saying that I am a very good teacher, I wouldn’t know. I don’t trust those instruments for qualitative evaluation of teaching effectiveness. Though it says” very satisfactory”, I really don’t know. It was just a piece of paper to me. Anyway, what really matters is when they (my students) learn something from me…….

these past months, I realized that I am not just ma’am jen, I am also master jedi, I am superman, or peter pan, or genie, or blue fairy or jean grey. I don’t know. This is my crazy thought….that by profession I am a math/chemistry teacher and at the same time I am somebody else with super powers (like Clark Kent and superman, that kind of thing)…crazy thought, yes, but it makes me feel good…that somehow, I inspire people in my own little way, that I am a source of strength for some kids, that I help heal some of their wounds, that I drive their pains away just by being there…ok, believe it or not, world, I can walk on air, I can do stuff like these. Fine, it was JUST ME …JUST ME….Sometimes, superheroes don’t wear costumes…sometimes they just take a form like ME.

———————————————————————————-

I’m going to write some of my superhero moments next time… As if, jen! (hahahahahahahahaha!)

PAGLAKI KO GUSTO KO MAGING…………… — July 27, 2008

PAGLAKI KO GUSTO KO MAGING……………

/Jen_Eongrey/Leave a comment

Posted by jen on July 26th 2008 to KWENTO KO

Way back in kindergarten: “…when I grow up, I want to be an engineer or an architect..” uh huh, hindi ko nga ata alam kung ano ang engineer noon…at ang architect? Uh, basta, alam ko lang nun, magaling daw ako magdrawing kaya pwede raw ako maging architect…wahaha…ano ba…ok, primary level, yea, ang alam ko gusto kong maging isang inhinyero o architect nga…

Highschool. Hindi na masyadong napapansin ang pagdo-drawing.Nagsimula ng matuwa sa biology. Sa chemistry.Naisip ko, pano ba maging scientist? Masaya kayang maging ganun? Mahirap bang maging ganun?

Kolehiyo. Nakuha ko sagot sa tanong ko nung highschool. OO,Mahirap. Mahirap maging scientist lalo na kung ganitong level lang ang I.Q. ko. Naman, nag-aral maging chemist, oo, pero hindi maging scientist. Kundi maging isang doctor. Pre-med daw. Naman. Haha. Ok. Grumadweyt din kahit papano, nagboards, naawa ang Diyos at ipinasa ng dasal, naging chemist. Napagod mag-aral. Mahal na mag-aral. Hindi na naging doctor.

Trabaho. Research assistant. Chemistry. Laboratory. Pero iba ang gustong gawin. Ibang trabaho. Graphic artist sana. At lalo na ang robotics. Kung sana ay mas pinili ko ang electrical engineering sa beyubs kesa bs chemistry sa peyups, eh di sana may pag-asa pakong mapunta sa robotics na yan. pero nangyari na ang nagyari, yun na yun.

Trabaho ulit. Chemist pa din. Ayos lang. May natututunan. May sweldo. Pero…….sige, diretsuhin ko na…hindi ako masaya. Tunog big-time lang ang pagiging chemist. Whoa sa-yan-tis ka, jen?! (sagot ng utak ko: hindi, SAYANGtist ako. Pakiramdam ko kasi ang lousy kong chemist. Hindi efficient. Di ko kasi gusto ginagawa ko. Yun)…

Isa pang trabaho. Ganun ulit. Ayoko na talaga. Iyak ang isinagot ko sa boss ko nung tinanong niya ko kung ok lang ako. Sabi niya: “it’s time to shift gear, jen… go ahead…just finish our project then go. Do what makes you happy. Ay bata ka, when you become older and more mature, tatawanan mo ang araw na to”. Ugh. Apat na oras kong iniyakan ang boss ko na napakabusy 24/7. (Wah! Pasensha ka na, ma’am pythias, adik ako nun, alam mo naman po un, di po ba?Hahahaha. Pero salamat, ma’am. Basta. Hehe). At haaaaaaaaay. Tama nga ang boss ko, dumating yung araw na tinawanan ko ang araw na yun. Ugh. Ahahaha.Hay. Ok…shift gear daw….

Shift gear. U-turn. Uwi sa probinsya. Nagpaka-bum. Shift gear. Nagtayo ng computer shop. Shift gear uli.

Teacher. Pinaka-ayaw ko to nung bata ako. Dahil lang sa rason na to: malaking responsibilidad, at napakadaming trabaho!!!! Teacher ang lola ko. Ang isa ko pang lola, ang nanay ko, ang tito ko, ang pinsan ko… pero hindi ko naisip na sasali ako sa kanila. Pero ayun. Naging teacher ako ngayon, o. uh huh…ok…eh, kumusta naman maging teacher, jen?

Masaya. Nagkaron ako ng kwenta.

———————————————————————–

oo, alam ko. Bitin ang ending ng sinulat ko. Hindi ko kasi alam kung bakit pagka-typeko nung “nagkaron ako ng kwenta.” eh lahat ng isinusunod kong itype na mga salita ay nauuwi lang sa pagpindot ng backspace. Siguro dahil sapat nang sagot ang dalawang linyang yun…..siguro nga ganun.siguro nga…

NATAUHAN NA DAW — August 3, 2007

NATAUHAN NA DAW

/Jen_Eongrey/Leave a comment

Naaalala ko ang mga panahong halos araw-araw ay galit na galit ako sa mundo, kahit napakababaw naman pala ng rason. Walang kwenta kung tutuusin. Pero sa mga panahong yon akala ko napakabigat talaga ng mga dinadala ko.

Naisip ko, mashado pala akong mahina noon. Dahil hinayaan ko sarili ko na lamunin ng lungkot, mawalan ng direksiyon, maginarte sa mga bagay-bagay… sayang ang mga panahong pwede kong ayusin ang aking pag-aaral, ang di tumambay at di ma-late sa klase…mga panahong pwede kong ayusin ang trabaho ko, ang di tamaring magresearch, di ma-late sa pagpasok at maging interesado sa ginagawa ko.

Sabihin na nating napagdaanan ko lahat yun dahil may gusto saking ituro ang buhay. Oo, natuto ako, pero di ko maipagmamalaki yun…

Sayang ang ilang taong palagi akong malungkot. Bakit nga ba kasi napakarami kong hinahanap nun? Natatawa na nga lang ako ngayon at sinasabi sa sarili ko: “ang dami mo palang arte sa buhay, jen…”

Ngayon, kaya ko ng tumunganga sa buong araw at di awayin ang mundo at di mabugnot. Masaya ako sa sarili ko. Kahit palagi lang ako nasa bahay at di lumalabas. Kahit wala akong kaibigang malapit sa kinalalagyan ko na pwede kong ayain magfood trip o samahan ko siyang mag-yosi o mag-jamming, magbilyar, magping-pong o tumambay lang…kahit wala pa rin akong trabaho at wala ring pera…kahit ganon. Masaya ako.

Nakakatuwa pala ang buhay. Nakakasabik ang mga susunod na maaaring mangyari. Sa isang iglap, iikot ang mundo mo na parang roleta. At magugulat ka kung saan siya titigil. (malay mo naman, sa jackpot na!)………..