Dear, World. Love, Jenny.

Jedi thoughts, MD diaries and Random geekiness

SHING SHING SAYS THE SABER. — January 29, 2012

SHING SHING SAYS THE SABER.

It’s been a while that I guess I am deluding myself, or should I say I am hurting myself again with thoughts that border on pain and breathing space. Maybe this is the world that I create many times over, different and new every time, except that now, I don’t put much options or real possibilities in the picture. In this world that I design and re-invent, there are always passageways which eventually lead to a dark room.
Yeah, yeah, this is just me. I am funny. Miserable me is funnier. Realizing this makes me feel that there is something about the person that I was, that I miss now. And for the lack of words to describe what it is I am longing, I just want this moment to find me well — that is all I could really aim for now, to be well.

Not just for myself.

But most importantly for that Mushy Jedi who comes inside the dark room I repetitively construct, and makes everything turn from well, to safe, and then into a world where there is beauty, sincerity and passion again.

I need just a little bit of time.And then, no more of that scared kid who pulls the wool over somebody’s eyes. I need not to be afraid. I know, I believe so.

Now i get up and write on the dark room’s wall: monsters appear only when one is without a love-powered lightsaber.

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(–,) — December 25, 2011
Work. — December 14, 2011

Work.

Everything, even the things we can’t touch or crush or expand are all in a rush. That even stress is wearing out itself, and things like slowing down or sleeping are scarce and are on the verge of getting extinct.

Lately, i wake up past my call time. My alarm clock would always give up on me and snooze off by itself and leave me there in my bed.

Maybe the world is like this when you’re always busy at work — everything is half-baked, or in a fifty-fifty basis, or in an alternating half-empty, half-full perspectives. half alive. half-dead.

With the exception of love, everything is like this lately. i can’t seem to optimize my thoughts. My brain can process things but I’m not sure how I was able to comprehend the whole thing. This goes in cycle, but what i feel is constant — I am tired. I go to bed exhausted, wake up still feeling tired, go through the day feeling weary, go home feeling heavy, then the entire cycle goes in unending repetitions.

Maybe you can call me a drag queen now — because I literally drag myself everyday to work and try so hard to get by and finish work.

I usually claim that I am a Master Jedi. That I am a superhero called EonGrey. But for some days, I am just Jenny, like Clark Kent to every episode of Superman. And I get weak when work becomes a tangible thing like kryptonite. And for hard times like these, I slow down and whine and even cry my exhausted self to sleep.

LETTER TO SELF — September 10, 2011

LETTER TO SELF

Dear Jenny,

 I woke up in the miscellany of saturated encounters, and my mind says, “not again, not again”. Not again to that drowsy character who sees clouds being shred into scattered thoughts which finally outlined a message that says: “you can’t be who you want to be”— a note that meant everything and nothing at the same time. Even without warning, the idea kept me unruffled, because I am too jaded to retort. So I won’t respond, scream or even open my eyes or say a word. Yes, not now, not again. I am not going to panic or run after answers or a way out, but instead, I would embrace anything that is inert and stays that way until nothing and everything would recognize each other. It’s only then that the world would identify a look in my face. Only then that I would use the phrases “do everything” and “whatever it takes” again. Let me just stay still for a while until I could thaw my spirit and at least tell myself that it’s all right to hang on and believe that maybe help is on the way to undo all of these repetitions of inundated events.

Tell me if I am wrong. Tell me straight into my face. Otherwise, tell the whole world.

 Not really glad to be writing you (again),

Jenny ver 2.0

i’m still here — October 9, 2009

i’m still here

right now, i don’t know why i’m still doing this teacher thing…i guess my idealistic views of being in this profession is starting to fade out… student learning is still on top of my list, but what the hey, sometimes, though you work really hard for that goal, some things would really get into your nerves and push you to your limits until you just give up and leave without even a bit of hesitation.
im still here. because i can still tell myself to get up and go to class. but i don’t know until when i could do this…things like, preparing my lessons thirty minutes before the time…or not being able to check papers since day one….i feel lousy. but i’m not giving up….because i know even if i work or teach in THIS PLACE, i am still not rotten……….