Dear, World. Love, Jenny.

Jedi thoughts, MD diaries and Random geekiness

Category: crazy self

SHING SHING SAYS THE SABER. — January 29, 2012

SHING SHING SAYS THE SABER.

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It’s been a while that I guess I am deluding myself, or should I say I am hurting myself again with thoughts that border on pain and breathing space. Maybe this is the world that I create many times over, different and new every time, except that now, I don’t put much options or real possibilities in the picture. In this world that I design and re-invent, there are always passageways which eventually lead to a dark room.
Yeah, yeah, this is just me. I am funny. Miserable me is funnier. Realizing this makes me feel that there is something about the person that I was, that I miss now. And for the lack of words to describe what it is I am longing, I just want this moment to find me well — that is all I could really aim for now, to be well.

Not just for myself.

But most importantly for that Mushy Jedi who comes inside the dark room I repetitively construct, and makes everything turn from well, to safe, and then into a world where there is beauty, sincerity and passion again.

I need just a little bit of time.And then, no more of that scared kid who pulls the wool over somebody’s eyes. I need not to be afraid. I know, I believe so.

Now i get up and write on the dark room’s wall: monsters appear only when one is without a love-powered lightsaber.

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photo: http://www.zoonar.com/photo/kid-enters-a-dark-room_1665423.html
LETTER TO SELF — September 10, 2011

LETTER TO SELF

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Dear Jenny,

 I woke up in the miscellany of saturated encounters, and my mind says, “not again, not again”. Not again to that drowsy character who sees clouds being shred into scattered thoughts which finally outlined a message that says: “you can’t be who you want to be”— a note that meant everything and nothing at the same time. Even without warning, the idea kept me unruffled, because I am too jaded to retort. So I won’t respond, scream or even open my eyes or say a word. Yes, not now, not again. I am not going to panic or run after answers or a way out, but instead, I would embrace anything that is inert and stays that way until nothing and everything would recognize each other. It’s only then that the world would identify a look in my face. Only then that I would use the phrases “do everything” and “whatever it takes” again. Let me just stay still for a while until I could thaw my spirit and at least tell myself that it’s all right to hang on and believe that maybe help is on the way to undo all of these repetitions of inundated events.

Tell me if I am wrong. Tell me straight into my face. Otherwise, tell the whole world.

 Not really glad to be writing you (again),

Jenny ver 2.0

Feb 2008 — January 26, 2009

Feb 2008

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The night tells me to mull over the things I left in the past. I thought I forgot about those things, but I was wrong. and I hate it. I can’t shove the memories away. They are like nightmares that haunt every sleeping hour that I have. But right now, things are different. It’s like I am haunted by the same things that troubled me for almost a decade, and after having escaped for a year, I am back to my stomping ground. But like I said, this time, things are different ~the same feeling of pain, melancholy and void all at once, only now I cannot quite vividly remember the things that happened. Everything is fuzzy. I hate it. I hate being smothered by the things I cannot lay a hand on or at least fight back. I feel I am much stronger now, but still I cannot fight back. I really hate it…and I hate it much more for realizing that no matter how hard I try to quarrel over my happiness, my past won’t just let me.

AY ANG BOLPEN — October 22, 2008

AY ANG BOLPEN

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Sa dinami-dami ng tsinetsekan ko, bakit ngayon pa nagtae ang bolpen ko.

Hay naku, wala ng ibang bolpen na iba dito puro mongol # 2 at jumbo mongol lang. Wah. Hmmp.

Nung bata ako….hmmp…uh, sinubukan kong sipsipin ang dulo ng bolpen (ahahaha). Sabi kse ng kaklase ko, ganun daw gawin ko para tumigil pagtatae. Ay gudlak. Di naman natigil. Sipsip lang ako ng sipsip. Wala akong pakialam nun kung nakakalason ba yun (ni hindi nga sumagi sa utak ko ‘yun hahaha), mas inisip ko kung pano titigil ang pagtatae ng bolpen ko. Hmmp….

Pero may natutunan ako dun…

3. wag maniwala sa kaklase ng basta-basta lang. minsan, kahit di namamalayan, ikaw ay maaaring mapahamak….hahaha.

2. ganun din, wag uto-uto. Ang gustong magtae ay magtatae. (wag ka umepal at mangsipsip ng nagtatae).

1. mas masarap po ang blue ink kesa red ink kesa black… J

One Response to “AY ANG BOLPEN”

*elai (October 27th, 2008 2:46 am)
hahaha! ginawa ko din yan! pero feeling ko pare-parehas lang lasa ng tatlong ink. pano ko nalaman? hindi ko talaga alam, kulay itim lang natikman ko. ahaha. feeling ko lang nga. ilang beses ko din ginawa un. tama ka. wala ngang nagyari sa bolpen. nangitim lang dila ko. kalokohan! ahahaha!

THIS IS GOING TO HURT ME SOME MORE — June 4, 2008

THIS IS GOING TO HURT ME SOME MORE

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Posted by jen on June 3rd 2008

For the past five days I’ve discovered how love stains friendship, and how pain changes people.

I am staring at my saved messages in my mobile phone right now, one folder containing 618 messages. Delete folder -> select -> Folder not empty. Delete Anyway?-> Cancel. Ugh! I can’t do it. Damn….

I wanted to free up some memory in my phone so I thought I would get rid of THAT folder. Besides I have no plans of reading those messages in the near future. Yes. Not now. I am hurt. You are the reason, and I know you can see that.

By deleting your messages I thought maybe I could hurt you back, but I know that is way too stupid and very much childish. And yes, I know I cannot do that. I will keep them and let them confront me for being a “dangerous” kind not just to you and the other people I know, but also to myself.

Right now I have no control of things. But I am hurt. Really hurt. I would be silent. I will not do something about it anymore. I will not try to fix things. And I will also try not to do something that could make it worse. I don’t want all these hurting turn to hate.

Why?

Because it would still be me who would be hurt if I see you hurt…….