Dear, World. Love, Jenny.

Jedi thoughts, MD diaries and Random geekiness

Category: angst

i’m still here — October 9, 2009

i’m still here

/Jen_Eongrey/Leave a comment
right now, i don’t know why i’m still doing this teacher thing…i guess my idealistic views of being in this profession is starting to fade out… student learning is still on top of my list, but what the hey, sometimes, though you work really hard for that goal, some things would really get into your nerves and push you to your limits until you just give up and leave without even a bit of hesitation.
im still here. because i can still tell myself to get up and go to class. but i don’t know until when i could do this…things like, preparing my lessons thirty minutes before the time…or not being able to check papers since day one….i feel lousy. but i’m not giving up….because i know even if i work or teach in THIS PLACE, i am still not rotten……….
RANDOM THOUGHTS — May 21, 2009

RANDOM THOUGHTS

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*do not learn by messing up. i mean, learn the right way (and dont make learning an excuse). because sometimes, when you mess up, you really mess it up. you don’t get second chances even if you’re sorry….. which maybe the only thing that you’d learn — that YOU can’t mess up like that again.

*when you decide to move forward, you go straight ahead. and if you cant, you probably would know what to do. hahahaha.

*most people want to write because they’re sad. that could be true because feelings would stalk people…and that’s their way of letting all emotions go…. but some, like students, would write because they were asked to (compositions, homework,assignments, you know…), and you dont find some sad feelings there. what you find is that they don’t learn anything from technical or creative writing, and they cannot even identify a semicolon from their rectal colons. ugh! ahahaha.

*i haven’t been into a bank for a while now. not even an atm. that’s kinda sad. because that only means i dont go to a bank to deposit, neither to an atm to withdraw. money, of course. bottomline, i am broke.

*i’m scared of some things now. do not ask me what im afraid of because i wouldn’t tell. if i wanted to, i should’ve written them all here. so just be satisfied with the first line, eh?

*i am going to try to be a better “ma’am jen”. i can be better. can be better at handling distractions. whatever they may be.

*when i say you back off, you better back off.

*the world is moving in slow motion now but my mind is in a whirl. ugh. vacation. look what you are doing to me. haha.

*the world’s first song is dreams by cranberries. :p

*my computer clock says it is 12:05 am. GMT+8. that means i have to hit the bed now. ill continue this next time…..

Feb 2008 — January 26, 2009

Feb 2008

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The night tells me to mull over the things I left in the past. I thought I forgot about those things, but I was wrong. and I hate it. I can’t shove the memories away. They are like nightmares that haunt every sleeping hour that I have. But right now, things are different. It’s like I am haunted by the same things that troubled me for almost a decade, and after having escaped for a year, I am back to my stomping ground. But like I said, this time, things are different ~the same feeling of pain, melancholy and void all at once, only now I cannot quite vividly remember the things that happened. Everything is fuzzy. I hate it. I hate being smothered by the things I cannot lay a hand on or at least fight back. I feel I am much stronger now, but still I cannot fight back. I really hate it…and I hate it much more for realizing that no matter how hard I try to quarrel over my happiness, my past won’t just let me.

OF TEACHING AND CURSING — July 19, 2008

OF TEACHING AND CURSING

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Sometimes I want to curse them to their faces, but I think teachers are not allowed to do that. (Are they?) Haha, why am I not sure about it? Aren’t teachers human,too? Don’t they get mad like everybody else and have a license to curse all they want?

Last sem, I had the best students (uh, so far, they were the best, hehe)…and last sem was my first time… first time to teach, first time to be called “ma’am” (it used to scare me to death every time they call me that, wahaha)…but after the first quarter I got a hang of it, i was able to win over my fear of public speaking, I was able to see the real picture, I was able to learn their “culture” (which is far too different with mine, naman kasi…wala na yatang kasing babaliw pa sa kulturang peyups)…anyways, my profs in college curse in front of us whenever we get stupid, or when we give them dim-witted answers, or we do foolish stuff like copying the figure from our notes, hoping that we’ll get partial points for it but instead this is what we got:

my super genius quantum chemistry prof: “mga taga UP pa man din kayo, ang tatanga niyo, and f*ck, you even copied the figure I gave you, do you even understand what it is? Do you want me to take off my shoe and spank you? Do you want me to send all of you back to kindergarten? Get out of this room, you, s*ckers! “

Uh huh, they curse you and say nasty things to you when they know you can’t curse back (uh, well you can, actually, haha, sa isip mo, especially when they ask you to solve a multiple integration problem, nakanampuch!!!)…well anyways, going back to teaching and cursing,uh,I’m not proud of it but I did curse a lot in class last sem… it was just like an expression, especially when I’m talking nonsense already (tae na, ano na pinagsasabi ko?!) and then my students will just laugh and say, haha, madam an ngimot mo! (translation: yang bibig mo, ma’am)…haaay, embarrassing, haha! I don’t know, sometimes I just forget that I am not living in the same crazy world that I used to…I also forget that I am not just jen. I am ma’am jen. Ma’am. Bigat. Nyay. Katakot. Nakatingin kasi lahat. Naririnig ka din ng lahat.

So there, I tried my best to stop cursing. (Well at least not in front of my class). But second sem came…this sem is totally different…some of my students are not like the first batch of kids that I had… maybe they are also the bunch of kids who aren’t pleased to have me as their instructor…or maybe they are just a bunch of jerks and b*tches that would really get into your nerves and let you curse again like hell…but then again, I am ma’am. i shouldn’t be taking things personally…I can’t please everybody, yes, and for pete’s sake, i don’t go to school just to please them…I go to class to feed their bratty minds with variables and terms and electron configurations and forces and laws of motion. All those shit. If they don’t want to see me, then maybe they should start filling up their dropping forms… whether they like to learn or not, I will teach. if they bitch around, I will kick their dumb asses and curse.

Naah, things aren’t like that…haha… (uh, maybe, for a while pala nangyari at naramdaman ko yan, maybe nagwawala lang hormones ko that time. haha immature jen.) hmp,but usually, I spoil my students…they listen, they learn, we laugh, we have fun, they curse and I laugh. Hay. I am ma’am. I don’t curse in class now. no more cursing for jen….. Uhh….F**k, why not…?

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