Today I asked myself, what is my next big dream? I thought of just carrying on but at the end of the day, I realized that it’s better to create a vision. Creating a vision means knowing what I want to do, what is my passion, who I want to be, what are my fears, values and beliefs.

[knowing what I want to do, what is my passion, who I want to be…]

I talked to my bestfriend earlier and told her I don’t have grand goals for this year, just self-improvement, and a healthy self-empowerment, if there is such a thing. I just want to be more diligent at work, to be always punctual, to work on my eating and sleeping habits, and to restructure my interpersonal relationships—hoping to give more to myself than others.

[what are my fears, values and beliefs…]

My values and beliefs are really important to me. But I want to give some space for change, if it would help me become a better person. I am reminded again that my perspective isn’t always right. That sometimes, I do things and think of it as something good, or kind, or something to be grateful for, but may turn out to be something hurtful or overwhelming to others. So this year, I want to be more mindful of my thoughts and actions.

I admit that I have a bunch of fears but I no longer want to be paralyzed by them. This year I want to learn how to work around them. It’s my second year in residency training now but I’m still anxious whenever I go on my rotations. What can I do about it? Read. Study regularly. Pay attention to each case that I handle.

[So, what’s it for me in 2023?]

This year I want to be a better version of myself. Well, don’t we all?

I want to do things I haven’t done before. I want to be quiet, less interactions with people both virtual and real. I don’t want to update the world about my life, anymore. I want to be invisible. I want to be healthy. I want to save more. I want to be with my family often. I want to be self-sufficient. I don’t want my happiness to be dependent on other people. I want my questions about my faith to be answered by embracing it. I want to pay more attention about myself. I want it to be just me in 2023.

I spent the entire morning in bed. I don’t want to face the world, because I don’t know how to be present, especially at work.

My dreams are getting busier, darker again. Both my dreaming and working worlds are a mess.

Right now I feel like I am just an open tab, amongst the many tabs open in someone else’s life. Running in the background, being opened, being seen only when convenient or during breaks, never the main tab. Just there waiting to crash because it’s just left there, not stopped, not chosen, either.

If I were a writing, I want to be erased and be a blank page, and stay like that for a while. I don’t want to transform or be something else. I don’t want to inspire. I don’t want to cause anything or move someone’s thoughts or affect someone’s feelings. I just want to be bare. Unmoving. Existing, but not significant. I AM TIRED. So this is the kind of life I want for now.

I am at this point where I don’t want to go back, move forward or fly to any direction. I just want to be still — overwritten, insignificant.

I was thinking about you while I was driving home. Even if you’re being silent about it, I know you’re not okay. I know you’re crying no matter how hard you try to to be brave and fight all the ugly things off again. There’s this part of me that always want to protect you from all the things and words and memories that would crush your heart. There’s this wanting to shield you from selfish people, from anyone who wouldn’t treat you right again.

That’s why when I saw the pink skies, I had to pull over and capture it so I could send it to you. So I could be able to send you beautiful things because that’s what you deserve. Sigh. you deserve so much more, Yaba. i hope you know that. This photo, the beautiful moment there, is for you. I love you.

They say, people come, people go. We lose some, we gain some.

Right now, I focus on the ‘people come’ and ‘we gain some’ part. Because somehow, the world makes a way to bring us closer to people who makes a big impact in our lives, people who needs us and we also need in return.

To kimmy, thank you for being brave, for trying even if it’s difficult, for being there for me even if you’re in the middle of heartaches and ugly things. Thank you for being my bestfriend.

Things will light up, soon. I will always be here even if I’m miles away. Or even if im stuck at work, you know I’d always make time. I wish you all the best this life could offer. Hang in there. All these ugly things will be over soon. I am here. Always. Okay?

Have a happy and special birthday, yaba. 😽😘 See you soon, i hope.