Dear, World. Love, Jenny.

Jedi thoughts, MD diaries and Random geekiness

Author: Jen_Eongrey

im an occasional bad/good poet, explorer of the strange, wonderful and plain weird, semi-mediocre photographer, jedi master, star gazer, and a forever crammer.
Good Thing — April 22, 2012

Good Thing

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right now, i’m getting a difficult lesson on putting things in order. on patience. on getting things done. everyday i keep myself preoccupied but i feel like i haven’t really accomplished anything. i work so hard everyday that i feel like the world owes me something, but then again, i also cram on things, so i just expect to be somebody worth forgiving because i go back to the fact that i really try to work hard anyway. everyday, i try to get on my way. sometimes, i go mad.

[shift thoughts].

after all these years, i know that everything comes and goes. things would decline. things would regrow. some, you wouldn’t even know if it was reset or already reached its peak and no one knows what happened next to it.  nothing, really, is ever certain (i know there are exceptions but its a different story). sometimes, you get a stable job then you decide to drop it even if the world says it is beyond reason. you leave your comfort zone, and then move out again and transfer to neverland. the thought that nothing stays the same could probably be very scary to the world. but not me. i totally understand that everything in the universe becomes even more disordered as long as it exists, and we can do nothing about it. i am not scared of uncertainty and inconsistencies. im embracing change, and chaos, and will risk everything for success, happiness and love even if there are certain restraints.

[uh……]

since the start of the year i’ve been bitten in the ass by realization and reality. the bite made me become fully aware that i have the guts to chase after my heart’s desire. and so the pursuit of happiness in terms of what i do and who i want to be begins. and since then, i want to believe that i became a realist. no more day dreaming. no more of those stuff. call me petty or silly or stupid but this is how i want the whole system around me to work. this is me being brave. this is me being real. this is me accepting some things like, i am older, and things are getting not complicated anymore, that i’m a bit weary, yes, but i know that i am loved and i know what i really want now.

i sound like i have learned many things.

hmm.

this is a good thing.

SHING SHING SAYS THE SABER. — January 29, 2012

SHING SHING SAYS THE SABER.

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It’s been a while that I guess I am deluding myself, or should I say I am hurting myself again with thoughts that border on pain and breathing space. Maybe this is the world that I create many times over, different and new every time, except that now, I don’t put much options or real possibilities in the picture. In this world that I design and re-invent, there are always passageways which eventually lead to a dark room.
Yeah, yeah, this is just me. I am funny. Miserable me is funnier. Realizing this makes me feel that there is something about the person that I was, that I miss now. And for the lack of words to describe what it is I am longing, I just want this moment to find me well — that is all I could really aim for now, to be well.

Not just for myself.

But most importantly for that Mushy Jedi who comes inside the dark room I repetitively construct, and makes everything turn from well, to safe, and then into a world where there is beauty, sincerity and passion again.

I need just a little bit of time.And then, no more of that scared kid who pulls the wool over somebody’s eyes. I need not to be afraid. I know, I believe so.

Now i get up and write on the dark room’s wall: monsters appear only when one is without a love-powered lightsaber.

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photo: http://www.zoonar.com/photo/kid-enters-a-dark-room_1665423.html
Oh. Is It What Day Again? :D — December 25, 2011

Oh. Is It What Day Again? :D

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I wish I am like most people who are very good at forgetting non-essentials. I wish my mind doesn’t wander while I was riding a bus or any vehicle I’m in, while I was brushing my teeth or during my toilet moments. I am the type of person who sees even the supplementary of the whole thing. I see a whole floating circus and kingdom in cloud formations. When I listen to songs, it’s either I could identify which sound comes from which instrument or my mind would simultaneously drift away and produce random ideas like a shuffling cloud of thoughts.
Just like right now, I want to digress.
I feel like everything co-exists around me but I don’t have a deep connection with any of them. My sub-conscious may even find it weird to acknowledge the existence of things but claim them to be so close to something void.
I am letting myself be very honest now. I am fed up with this break’s masks of happy faces of celebration. As of today, or maybe just today, December doesn’t feel like December to me. It’s a month of edges, of subsisting ends. You get a holiday bonus to just spend it like an obligatory act of buying and giving. You get a couple of weeks as a vacation but you never have a break and end up exhausted, instead. It’s a month of expectations and longings. A time to beat yourself with unwelcomed thoughts like I wish I am not me or i wish something more that is as rude as being never brought up in this kind of family and the like. i can be a grinch. sometimes. still. well for just one day. :p
But then again, this is just me today. This is just me being relatively not okay like 1 out of my 1000 happy moments. For once, I am taking this 1 time so I would remind myself that life is really like that.

first, i digress, now, i deviate. i realized that Christmas should be (MORE) for the kids. I’ve never seen them happy with an apple, or a crispy 20 bucks. so, uh, let’s be just kids forever. what do you think? yes? yes.

(meet the “beke” boys. as in may beke).
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***oh cuteness. im happy right now, as im uploading this. call me bipolar. but haha, love saves the blues on christmas day. bleh. 
(–,) —
Thank you — December 22, 2011

Thank you

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I used to be not a happy person.

And these are what I usually do before: I come up with the belief that there is no such thing as happiness — that what we may only have are happy moments, and not happiness itself; I move towards breaking my heart just a little bit, although it has already been broken many times; I exhaust myself thinking when all the roads are filled or when all the world is a blank; and I feel lonely for loneliness itself.

Overall, I was not a happy person.

But life always has its way of telling me to lighten up and try to be positive about things. And once upon a time, life led me to you. Since then, I forgot or even felt like I didn’t know that I was angry and lonely about many things. Like all these things are vaulted in a part of my brain which I cannot open anymore because I forgot the numbers or even how to put them in.

From then on, having happy moments would let me believe the existence of happiness, yes, the feeling itself. Or sometimes even when nothing happens — like there isn’t a particular activity, no cracked jokes, no funny story, no teasing, no messing around, just you and me sitting beside each other, hands held, me looking at your face (trying to argue with what I see and look at but i didn’t or won’t) — there we are, left in our own secret spot of the planet, lucky to be having happy moments and at the same time proving that happiness does exist.

From then on, I became happy for happiness, whenever thoughts sparkle from emotions I get from you.

Thank you for showing me not to hold things that are negative, that hurts, that breaks my heart — this could probably be one of the greatest things you have done for me. I love you. I always do.

♥,
Jenny