Today I woke up as a terrible person. As terrible as someone whose first thoughts were as ungrateful as a dog who is fed and taken care of by his master but won’t thank him back or do something good for him. I should be thankful I woke up. That I am alive. And many other things. I felt terrible. It feels terrible to feel many things at the same time — one, there’s this feeling of not wanting to live anymore because I am not sure what good am I to this world, but then there is this feeling, of being willing to stay alive to change all this repetition of ugly sad things in my life and in the lives of the people I love and care about.

In the midst of this breaking down feeling, I drank my coffee, kissed my sick lola good morning and grabbed my bike. This could have been my kind of morning — no sun, no rain, either. Just cool wind. I love windy days. It’s kind of melancholic but it calms me down, too.

So, I biked around the next block, turned left to the street that is quite uphill and reached the top part then I made a full turn and went straight downhill. Then I realized the bike has no breaks when I am on full speed and going downhill. I didn’t panic, not even a bit afraid. That moment i am letting things be. It was my city-of-angels-kind-of-moment but I am not Meg Ryan so I didn’t let go of my bike’s handlebar and spread my arms wide open and hit a truck. Well, I hit a thought. That I should head home and go back to myself who keeps fighting no matter what. For now, there is no escape. For now, there is just this big hurdle that stops me for getting all I want all at the same time. Yes. I hit a thought — one at a time, Jen, things would light up one at a time.

I went home, parked my bike and took a picture of it, went straight to my lola’s bed and helped in giving her a bath and changing her diapers and massaged her (well i just stroked her hair) because her meningioma gives her constant pain in the head. It could’ve been dope if I am already a doctor and I could do something to take all of her pain away but it is yet too early for my medical career and it is too late for my gramms because she is already 91 years old. Then another thought hit me. That for now, I can go on living to do and experience many great things; that I can go on learning and be a good doctor and if possible, take care of everyone; that I can go on loving and keep holding on tight to the thought that someday soon, love is going to break free and would be the greatest love story one could ever know of; that I can do something good everyday; that i can wake up to different mornings and be given more chances in life and more days to thank God for this life no matter what.

The universe keep punching me everyday. But i am not going to yield, I am going to hold up my shield and punch back as hard and as many as I can. I will never give in or join the dark force. I will keep the faith. I will be strong.

This is my self-portrait.

This prolly represents the biggest chunk of myself. It shows who i am 75% of the time since puberty, i guess. I am an emo child. A sentimental teenager. A lost young adult. A depressed human being. I have been a sad person for a long time that i have fully embraced its existence and i end up openly admitting it to the world without being ashamed.

Im not really sure why im telling this to you. Maybe it’s because the people around me right now are in the low points in their lives. That i can say hey it’s okay, you’ll get pass through it, ive been there many times but look, i’m still here.

I wish i could tell you how sad i could get. But i wont. What i will tell you is how i get out of the state of being sad.

1st: i let myself to feel sad, i cry it out. I cry even in public domains, while commuting, or in my office desk. I reached a point where i dont give a damn if people would see me cry.

2nd: when im done crying, i tell other people that im sad. I talk about it even if people would just tell me generic replies as “okay lang yan”. Talking about it helps me un-focus on the emotion but on the reason that makes me sad. It detaches me from the pain i feel. So no matter how comforting or shallow a reply from other people could get, it helps. It helps you detach from the burden, but remember, it is only you who could unburden yourself of your sadness. It all depends on how willing you are to get out of that situation.

3rd: i act on it. Meaning, when im sad because i miss someone, i reconnect with them. If im sad because of my performance at work, i forget about my score sheets and start all over again, catch up with my lags and do my job as if everything is a clean slate. If im sad because i feel like im nobody, i draw or play the piano or write, to remind me that i can do things.

4th: some nights i take some booze to drown my loneliness but it’s obviously a pathetic move. But if booze comes with a conversation with the best person in your life, that would definitely help because…(see #3)

5th: i pray. Faith is a powerful tool. It calms me down. It gives me hope. It reminds me that there are other things to be thankful for that sometimes i feel like im an ungrateful selfish person for feeling so sad about things i could just vaguely identify. If you dont believe in God then i guess there will always be something else that you put your faith into and i tell you to turn to it when all else fail.

If you are so sad right now then remember me. Remember this face. Because they say, misery loves company. I hope me and my sadness gives you the comfort that you are not alone with your pain. Remember this face that tells you that all things shall pass. Remember this face that tells you no matter how sad you get, you don’t stop trying to be well and then get better and never be sad as hell again.

Hi.

i woke up feeling neutral today. Not sad, not also so glad because i had to go to work now since I didn’t go yesterday because i always have Monday blues. It’s true, you can check my time sheet last week and i wasn’t in last monday, too.

Anyway, yesterday i sent out a letter telling you guys that i am sad, as if there is no man sad before & after me. In my younger years, when i get sad, i write poems to let it out but as an adult, an immature distracted adult, i cant do poems anymore so i resorted to other stuff like binge watching tv series (my faves are/were game of thrones, breaking bad, newsroom, orange is the new black, fringe, jane the virgin and suits).

For some reason, i craved for ice cream yesterday. They say eating ice cream makes you feel better. But i wasn’t really wanting ice cream to make me feel happy or whatnot, i just want to eat ice cream because i can’t remember the last time i ate one. I like ice cream (who doesn’t?) but i am lactose intolerant so i dont really get the chance to enjoy it (and those milk tea’s that my friends have almost everyday). So yesterday, i got up from my monday-blues-stricken bed and asked Jake the Dog to come with me and look for Nestlè kitkat ice cream (well i love kitkat, so…yeah). But when we got in the supermarket they only have those temptations chever ice creams so we got one.

Jake the Dog & I went home, grabbed dinner and started eating chips and the whole pint after. It got cocoa seeds in it that at first i thought were coffee beans. I havent eaten a lot like last night. I think that was my own version of food comma — i was literally just sitting at the corner, almost-zoning out, feeling very very sleepy but not really falling asleep. Have you ever felt anything like that after eating a lot? Haha. Geeez.

Anyway, i went to bed relatively early last night because i did feel so sleepy. At least it’s a different experience. I dont have to cry myself to sleep or exhaust myself just to doze off. Then i woke up today, not sad, not feeling blue, neutral–but better than not wanting to go to work.