master yoda wrote:

EONGREY

What does your heart desire?
Catch a star with a wire…
Go and find,
Search and wind.
Fly to a place of strange sights,
Then ride ten thousand days-nights.

Hear the mermaids singing,
As it wash-off your desire that’s stinging.
There, discern the badge that you’ve stitched
Was a mirage that’s ditched.

Such voyaging were sweet.
Oblivious, at next door you might meet.
Need not go to distant view,
Your heart’s desire is in you!

Eongrey’s reply:

you told me I should make myself as my subject for once. So this is that one time.

I know that an “I don’t know” is not acceptable so I’ll give it a shot. What does my heart desire. Maybe right now I wish I can find reasons for myself. why I find this kind of question as always one of the hardest. That’s why I guess for the longest time, I never really answered your poem.

I wish I could re-dream and continue dreaming even if half of my wish list is already marked with an [X] before each one of them. I wish I can make them happy and proud without really trying so hard— my family, you and a couple of true friends, and of course, mushy. That way I know I can do my work better even if it’s consuming. That way I wouldn’t be feeding the negative vibes about myself. that way, I’d be wanting to be just me.

I wish I can really grow where I am planted. But I also want to be strong enough to cut out my own roots if I know that I really have to leave. But from where I am growing roots now, I wish I am needed, even if I appear like just a reed. A reed is good, right? it’d still be standing there even after a storm has passed. Not really standing tall and rigid, but it’s still there no matter what.

I have learned to try harder to endure a lot of things. At some point in my life I think I felt the saddest emotion you can find here and in hell. But I get pass through that. Now, I wish I wouldn’t be scared to feel sadness again so I wouldn’t be thinking and doing stupid things. i have been doing major progress in my life. From the worst person to bad and then good. I’ve been friends with the dark side for quite a while. I bet you don’t know that. The padawan does. And it’s the padawan who pulled me back to the good force. And I wish if I couldn’t advance to ‘better’ just yet, I wish I’d stay being the good person that I know. I cant go back to the dark side. Because that would mean losing everything. That even the light saber wouldn’t glow ever at all.

I wish I know who really said that “happiness is a choice”. Because it is not. Or is it? No I think it’s not. It couldn’t be a choice. Because it just happens. Happiness is within me. I have reasons to be happy. What I want now is to let it stay forever within me. What I want now and always is to give back that happiness to the reason of my happiness, to my happy thought, and to my one true love. I can’t screw up, master yoda. Even if I get second and more chances, I don’t want to screw things up anymore. Because again, I can’t lose this one. I just can’t.

I told you, my answer to your “what does your heart desire” question is I don’t know. If I answered “I wanna be a billionaire so effing bad” would you be glad? Haha. C’mon, I really don’t know. Maybe I just want to become somebody who is good and loving and doesn’t screw things up. I guess I just want to be cool jen, profound eongrey, half-anakin-half-obiwan-jedi and most of all, cheesy mushy.

Hrrr! I don’t know. I really I don’t now!