i can just describe in detail what happened yesterday, but the other yester-days, i can just tell it depending upon what my memory purposely or unconciously selected to keep.
Yesterday
i screwed up my midterm exams. took a nap on a fastfood chain table. got jealous over some shallow act. and i wasn’t able to settle all my bills. yesterday tells me how i could STILL get very lousy, immature and irresponsible. my to-do list is getting interminable and i couldn’t just catch up and check through the end of the list. i think my brain is also failing me. it couldn’t aim attention at almost everything lately. maybe yesterday has conquered me again, maybe it’s telling me the same thing that it’s been shouting in my face forever: disengage. disengage!
well, i wish i could. just cut loose. disconnect. detach. undo. just disengage right then and there. but i can’t. i just can’t. i still feel like i am designed for something big, beyond all my mushy-ness — (being inlove and mushy is the only sure thing i have for two years now, and it’s the only thing i know i wouldn’t even think of disengaging). Anyways, i’ve gotten this far. yesterday couldn’t just tell me to stop even for a while because i need a lot of catching up to do — i just can’t stop, but i am forever catching up! haha. what a life.
well, yesterday still gave me reasons to smile. i got home early and finally got some sound sleep, painted something on my pad, had free good food for lunch, and love got greater and genuinely sure.
other yester-days
for other yester-days, i have been me. only different in some ways. i’ve had episodes of being so ugly and i even felt like i was somebody else’s little monster. i have broken many hearts before and i have shattered several friendships. i’ve been hurt several times,too and that’s all i know now. i don’t remember why i was hurt, so i guess i am all good now.
no more haunting, no more hovering, no regrets, no i-miss-you-hope-i-could-see-or-talk-to-you-again episodes for a couple of years now. moving on wasn’t that hard for me. putting an X to that memory is easy. i just woke up one day and decided to bump my head hard on concrete, enjoyed the last but intentional bump and bruise and took off. [if people, after breaking up with someone, had a hard time forgetting that person, or took him/her so long to cut loose and be all right, that is because that person decided to hang on to it, and not the other way around].
i have no more thoughts about “you should have just stayed within the friendship and not wanting more than that” — which i think should’ve saved some friendships, but what the hey, i don’t seem to care at all. because those people i thought i lost in the past are not the same people anymore, they’re not the same friends i thought they are. seeing them mess up their lives and get wasted alienates me. [hoot!]
the coming days which will soon become yester-days.
i don’t have to worry about this. i may have lousy, immature, irresponsible episodes now but i am quite sure i’d be fine. because i have reasons to live, reasons to catch up and get through everything, reasons to dream and work hard towards that dream. i have my family, my few close and true friends, and i have the love of my life. for the coming days, i know i’d be the best i could ever be. that means, im investing for a better yester-days, for a past that i would like to reminisce and just look back and gladly tell the world or write about…. 🙂
Dear, World. Love, Jenny. 